Matchmaking, courtship and engagement
How a match is found, asked for and agreed: matchmakers, rings of promise, the first visit.
Before the wedding comes the finding and the asking: a matchmaker consulted, a horoscope compared, a family visit made, a ring or a gift given to seal the promise. Betrothal customs differ more than almost anything else in the wedding, because they depend on who decides: the couple, the parents, or both.
Who chooses
In Japan the omiai was an arranged first meeting with photographs and a go-between, called a nakodo. In India families still use biodata, community matrimonial pages and horoscope matching, and many marriages are arranged with the consent of both sides. In Western countries most couples meet on their own and the proposal is the key moment, often with a ring. In Jewish communities a shadchan may suggest a match, and in parts of the Gulf a mother or aunt might first visit the family on the bride's behalf.
Marking the promise
Betrothal has its own rites. In Punjab the roka and the shagun mark the families' agreement. In Greece the engagement is blessed by a priest and rings are exchanged. In Iran the khastegari is a formal visit in which the groom's family asks for the bride, and tea is served as a signal. In the Ottoman tradition and across Turkey the groom's family visits to ask, and the bride may serve coffee with salt as a test of good humour. Each of these is a stage in which the families get to know each other.
What is changing
Online dating and matrimonial apps have joined older channels. Many families who still arrange marriages now allow months of conversation before a decision. Engagement parties, proposal videos and social media announcements have also spread far beyond the West. At the same time, some communities have moved against engagement customs that pressured the bride's family for gifts.
Written by the EveryShaadi desk with AI assistance. Background on Matchmaking, courtship and engagement (kind of custom). Customs differ from place to place and family to family. If this is your tradition and we have it wrong, tell us.
🇳🇬 Lagos, Nigeria and 3 moreAso ebiAsọ-Ẹbí
Matching outfits worn by groups to show solidarity at Yoruba weddings and other ceremoniesAttire · The weeks before
🇳🇪 In-Gall, Niger and 2 moreGuérewol
A week-long courtship dance where Wodaabe men display their beauty to win the attention of marriageable women.Rite · The weeks before
🇪🇹 Addis Ababa, EthiopiaWedding customs in Ethiopia
A collection of diverse marriage rites across Ethiopian tribes and the Orthodox Christian community.Rite · Finding a match
🇸🇿 Ludzidzini Royal Village, Eswatini and 1 moreUmhlanga
The annual Swazi and Zulu gathering where young women cut reeds to preserve chastity and offer tribute labour.Rite · The eve
🇿🇦 South AfricaUmemulo
The Zulu coming of age ceremony that marks a woman as ready for marriageRite · The weeks before
🇳🇬 NigeriaYoruba traditional weddingIgbeyawo
The multi-day Yoruba marriage ceremony featuring traditional attire, family introductions, and the Eru Iyawo gift list.Attire · Engagement and betrothal
🇿🇦 South Africa and 1 moreLobololobola (Zulu, Xhosa, Swazi, Ndebele), mahadi (Sesotho), mahari (Swahili), magadi (Sepedi), bogadi (Setswana), lovola (Xi
The livestock or cash payment from a groom's family to a bride's family that formalizes a customary marriage in SouthernGift custom · Finding a match
🇳🇬 NigeriaFattening room
A traditional Nigerian retreat where Efik women are secluded to learn skills and gain weight before marriage.Betrothal · Engagement and betrothal
🇰🇪 KenyaKoito
A Kalenjin dowry negotiation ritual that marks the formal agreement between families.Gift custom · Engagement and betrothal
🇳🇬 NigeriaMoney marriage
A practice in southern Nigeria where a girl is given in marriage to settle her family's debts.Gift custom · Finding a match
🇳🇬 NigeriaIgbo traditional marriageIgba Nkwu
The multi-stage Igbo marriage process that formalizes a union through family negotiations and the wine-carrying ceremonyRite · Finding a match
🇸🇿 EswatiniUmtsimbauntsimba
The multi-day Swazi wedding journey where the bride joins her husband's village with songs, dances, and symbolic gifts.Rite · The weeks before
🇳🇬 Nigeria and 1 moreHausa traditional marriage
The Islamic marriage rites of the Hausa people in Northern Nigeria and Niger.Rite · Finding a match
🇸🇸 South Sudan and 1 moreGhost marriage in South Sudan
A union where a living brother stands in for a deceased groom to secure lineage and wealth.Betrothal · Engagement and betrothal
🇿🇦 South AfricaUkuthwalwa
A South African practice of abducting a woman for marriage, now largely illegal and contested.Betrothal · Finding a match
🇿🇦 Cape Town, South AfricaSame-sex marriage in South Africa
The legal recognition of same-sex unions established by the Civil Union Act of 2006.Modern · The ceremony
🇰🇪 Kenya and 1 moreAyie
The Luo bride price ceremony where the mother accepts payment and agrees to the marriage.Gift custom · Engagement and betrothal
🇬🇭 GhanaPolygamy in Ghana
A practice where a man has multiple wives, recognized under customary law but illegal under civil statutes.Family role · Engagement and betrothal
🇳🇬 Nigeria and 1 moreSurrogate marriage
A woman marries another woman to bear children for her lineage when she cannot have them herself.Betrothal · Finding a match
🇺🇬 UgandaNaleyo
A courtship dance of the Karamojong people where men and women jump facing each other to find partners.Performance · Engagement and betrothal
🇺🇬 UgandaGaze
A traditional dance of the Lugbara people in Northern Uganda performed at weddings and festivalsPerformance · Engagement and betrothal
🇺🇬 UgandaOkeme
A lively Lango folk dance performed at weddings to bring the community together.Performance · Engagement and betrothal
🇲🇺 Mauritius and 1 moreGeet-Gawai𑂏𑂲𑂞 𑂏𑂫𑂰𑂆 (Bhojpuri)
A pre-wedding ritual of Bhojpuri-speaking people in Mauritius featuring songs and dance.Performance · Engagement and betrothal
Photo credits on this page
The small pictures above come from Wikimedia Commons under free licences. Some are cropped to fit.
- Guérewol: Dan Lundberg, CC BY-SA 2.0, source
- Yoruba traditional wedding: Fhadekhemmy, CC BY-SA 4.0, source
- Recognition of same-sex unions in South Korea: Nerd271, CC BY-SA 4.0, source
- Okeme: Emma Oruk, CC BY-SA 4.0, source
- Ukuthwalwa: Federal Bureau of Investigation, Public domain, source
- Lobolo: Iwuala Lucy, CC BY-SA 4.0, source
- Igbo traditional marriage: Olugold, CC BY-SA 4.0, source
- Umhlanga: Amada44, Public domain, source
- Hausa traditional marriage: Bembety, CC0, source
- Ayie: SteveRwanda, CC BY-SA 3.0, source
- Umtsimba: Cat7624, CC0, source
- Aso ebi: SUPREME LACE, CC BY-SA 4.0, source