Matchmaking, courtship and engagement
How a match is found, asked for and agreed: matchmakers, rings of promise, the first visit.
Before the wedding comes the finding and the asking: a matchmaker consulted, a horoscope compared, a family visit made, a ring or a gift given to seal the promise. Betrothal customs differ more than almost anything else in the wedding, because they depend on who decides: the couple, the parents, or both.
Who chooses
In Japan the omiai was an arranged first meeting with photographs and a go-between, called a nakodo. In India families still use biodata, community matrimonial pages and horoscope matching, and many marriages are arranged with the consent of both sides. In Western countries most couples meet on their own and the proposal is the key moment, often with a ring. In Jewish communities a shadchan may suggest a match, and in parts of the Gulf a mother or aunt might first visit the family on the bride's behalf.
Marking the promise
Betrothal has its own rites. In Punjab the roka and the shagun mark the families' agreement. In Greece the engagement is blessed by a priest and rings are exchanged. In Iran the khastegari is a formal visit in which the groom's family asks for the bride, and tea is served as a signal. In the Ottoman tradition and across Turkey the groom's family visits to ask, and the bride may serve coffee with salt as a test of good humour. Each of these is a stage in which the families get to know each other.
What is changing
Online dating and matrimonial apps have joined older channels. Many families who still arrange marriages now allow months of conversation before a decision. Engagement parties, proposal videos and social media announcements have also spread far beyond the West. At the same time, some communities have moved against engagement customs that pressured the bride's family for gifts.
About this page
Written by the EveryShaadi desk with AI assistance. Background on Matchmaking, courtship and engagement (kind of custom). Customs differ from place to place and family to family. If this is your tradition and we have it wrong, tell us.
🇬🇧 United KingdomQuaichcuach
A shallow two-handled cup used in Scottish weddings to share a drink and symbolise union.Feast custom · The ceremony
🇮🇹 ItalyFescennine VersesFescennina carmina
Bawdy wedding songs from Ancient Rome that evolved into satire and comic drama.Performance · Engagement and betrothal
🇬🇧 United Kingdom and 1 moreGimmal ring
A betrothal ring with separate hoops that join to form the wedding band.Adornment · Engagement and betrothal
🇦🇹 Austria and 4 moreDirndl
The bodice, skirt and apron dress worn by brides in the German-speaking Alps.Attire · The ceremony
🇮🇪 Ireland and 1 moreHandfastingceangal na lámh (Irish); pòsadh-bliadhna (Scottish Gaelic)
A pledge ceremony where a couple joins hands to make a binding marriage contract or engagement.Rite · Engagement and betrothal
🇬🇧 United Kingdom and 3 moreBedding ceremony
The public ritual of placing the newlyweds in their marital bed to witness and seal the marriage.Rite · The ceremony
🇮🇪 Galway, Ireland and 2 moreCladdagh ringFáinne an Chladaigh
A traditional Irish ring featuring clasped hands, a heart, and a crown to symbolise friendship, love, and loyalty.Adornment · Engagement and betrothal
🇱🇹 Lithuania and 1 moreLithuanian wedding songsvestuvinės dainos
The polyphonic songs and weeping rituals that mark a Lithuanian bride's transition to her new family.Performance · Engagement and betrothal
🇫🇷 Paris, FranceGlobe de mariée
A glass bell jar used in France to hold the bride's bouquet and preserve family memories.Adornment · The weeks before
🇬🇧 United KingdomKnobstick wedding
A forced marriage arranged by local authorities to shift the cost of a child onto the presumed father.Betrothal · Engagement and betrothal
🇮🇹 Sicily, ItalyFuitina
A Sicilian elopement custom used to force family consent for marriage through presumed sexual intercourse.Betrothal · The weeks before
🇬🇧 Edinburgh, United KingdomLuckenbooth brooch
A Scottish heart-shaped silver token of love and protection worn at weddings.Adornment · Engagement and betrothal
🇸🇰 SlovakiaMamko Moja
A Slovak Roma wedding song about a bride's longing for marriagePerformance · The weeks before
🇬🇧 United Kingdom and 1 moreWedding breakfast
The post-ceremony feast served to the couple and their guests in British English usage.Feast custom · The ceremony
🇳🇱 NetherlandsKnottekistje
A silver Frisian box that replaced a knotted cloth as the token of engagement.Betrothal · Engagement and betrothal
🇬🇧 United KingdomBlackening
A messy pre-wedding prank where friends cover the couple in sticky substances and parade them through town.Play · The weeks before
🇪🇸 Spain and 2 moreLas arrasLas arras matrimoniales
Thirteen coins exchanged by the couple to symbolize provision and trust in a Christian marriage.Rite · The ceremony
🇬🇧 United Kingdom and 5 moreGroomsman
A male attendant who supports the groom and assists guests at a wedding.Family role · Finding a match
🇮🇸 IcelandIcelandic weddings
A blend of church ceremony and multi-day feasting that marks the union of two people in Iceland.Feast custom · The ceremony
🇭🇺 HungaryVőfély
The Hungarian wedding host who guides the couple through rites, speeches, and traditions.Family role · Finding a match
🇷🇺 RussiaRussian wedding traditionsРусская свадьба
A multi-day celebration blending Orthodox crowning, ransom games, and lively toasting in Russia.Rite · Engagement and betrothal
🇬🇧 United Kingdom and 1 moreLovespoonLlwy garu
A carved wooden spoon given as a romantic gift to show skill and intent.Adornment · Engagement and betrothal
🇬🇷 Greece and 5 moreWedding ring
A metal circle worn on the finger to show that a person is married.Attire · Engagement and betrothal
🇵🇱 Poland and 6 moreKolachколач (kolach), калач (kalach), kołacz, colac, kalács
A braided or ring-shaped bread that marks weddings and major holidays across Eastern Europe.Feast custom · Engagement and betrothal
🇺🇦 Kyiv, Ukraine and 2 moreOchipokочіпок
The embroidered cap that covers a Ukrainian bride's hair to mark her new status as a married womanAttire · The ceremony
🇬🇷 Greece and 2 moreEngagement party
A gathering to announce a new engagement and introduce the two families before the wedding.Betrothal · Engagement and betrothal
🇫🇷 France and 1 moreAcrostic ring
A jewelled band where gemstone initials spell a secret romantic wordAdornment · Engagement and betrothal
🇫🇷 FrancePosthumous marriage in France
A legal union authorized by the French President when one partner dies before the wedding takes place.Vow · The weeks before
🇬🇧 United Kingdom and 1 moreRèiteach
A Scottish Gaelic betrothal ceremony where families negotiate marriage terms and celebrate with whisky.Betrothal · Engagement and betrothal
🇵🇱 Poland and 1 moreBadchenבּדחן (badkhn)
The Ashkenazi Jewish wedding entertainer and master of ceremonies who guides the couple through ritual stages with song Performance · Engagement and betrothal
🇮🇪 Ireland and 3 moreBachelor's Day
The custom that lets women propose to men on Leap DayBetrothal · Engagement and betrothal
🇬🇧 United Kingdom and 5 moreRing fingerdigitus annularis
The fourth digit of the hand where wedding and engagement rings are traditionally worn.Attire · The ceremony
🇩🇪 Germany and 5 moreMorganatic marriageEhe zur linken Hand
A union between people of unequal rank that bars the spouse and children from inheriting titles or throne rights.Vow · Engagement and betrothal
🇫🇷 France and 1 moreAcrostic ring
A jewelled band where gemstone initials spell a secret romantic word.Adornment · Engagement and betrothal
🇩🇪 GermanyWedding Quodlibet
A lighthearted musical piece by J.S. Bach performed at weddings in early 18th-century Germany.Performance · Engagement and betrothal
🇬🇷 Greece and 2 moreAdelphopoiesis
A historical Eastern Christian ceremony uniting two people of the same sex in a recognized spiritual bond.Betrothal · Engagement and betrothal
🇺🇦 Ukraine and 7 moreVechornytsiвечорниці
A Ukrainian courtship gathering where young people meet, dance and practice matchmaking rituals before the wedding seasoBetrothal · The weeks before
🇪🇸 A Coruña, Spain and 2 moreFirst same-sex marriage in Spain
The 1901 union of two women in Galicia that preceded legal recognition by over a centuryModern · The ceremony
🇮🇹 Rome, Italy and 1 moreContubernium
A recognized union between slaves or a slave and a free person in ancient RomeBetrothal · After the wedding
🇮🇪 Dublin, IrelandSchulze Registers
The surviving records of secret marriages performed by a Lutheran minister in 19th century Dublin.Vow · The ceremony
🇫🇷 France and 4 moreMore danicodansk skik
A Medieval Scandinavian marriage custom allowing polygyny and secular unions outside church control.Betrothal · Engagement and betrothal
🇬🇷 Athens, GreeceSame-sex marriage in GreeceΟμοφυλοφιλικός γάμος (Omofylofilikos gamos)
The legal recognition of marriage between two people of the same sex, effective since February 2024.Vow · Engagement and betrothal
🇭🇺 Hungary and 2 moreEaster sprinkling in Hungaryhúsvéti locsolás
An Easter Monday custom where boys sprinkle water or perfume on girls and receive painted eggs in return.Betrothal · The weeks before
🇷🇴 RomaniaDragobete
A Romanian spring festival where young people exchange flowers and seek romantic bonds.Betrothal · The weeks before
🇷🇴 Romania and 1 morePerinița
A Romanian circle dance where a pillow marks the last partner dance for unmarried youth before a wedding.Performance · The eve
🇽🇰 Kosovo and 2 morePodruga
A second wife brought into the home to bear children when the first marriage is childless.Family role · Engagement and betrothal
🇷🇴 Romania and 5 moreKlezmerקלעזמער
The instrumental wedding music of Ashkenazi Jews, blending Eastern European and Jewish ritual melodies.Performance · Engagement and betrothal
🇳🇱 NetherlandsPoffer
The elaborate white headdress worn by married women in the Netherlands to mark their status.Attire · Engagement and betrothal
Photo credits on this page
The small pictures above come from Wikimedia Commons under free licences. Some are cropped to fit.
- Gimmal ring: Geni, CC BY-SA 4.0, source
- Same-sex marriage in Greece: Mzimu, CC BY-SA 3.0, source
- Quaich: Robin-wood, CC BY-SA 3.0, source
- Claddagh ring: Royalcladdagh, CC BY-SA 3.0, source
- Bedding ceremony: Isaac Cruikshank, Public domain, source
- Lithuanian wedding songs: Gailė Paštukaitė, CC BY-SA 3.0, source
- Globe de mariée: Alain Amet, CC BY 4.0, source
- Poffer: Unknown author, Public domain, source
- First same-sex marriage in Spain: Jglamela, CC BY-SA 4.0, source
- More danico: Edward Burne-Jones, Public domain, source
- Luckenbooth brooch: Walker14806, CC BY-SA 4.0, source
- Contubernium: Mark Landon, CC BY 4.0, source
- Morganatic marriage: Sergei Lvovich Levitsky (1819 – 1898) and Rafail Sergeevich Levitsky (, Public domain, source
- Wedding Quodlibet: Aschroet, CC0, source
- Ring finger: RAPMOODDE, CC BY-SA 4.0, source
- Wedding breakfast: Arpingstone, Public domain, source
- Easter sprinkling in Hungary: Matyófolk, CC BY-SA 4.0, source
- Knottekistje: mwibawa, CC BY-SA 2.0, source
- Las arras: penny, CC BY 2.0, source
- Groomsman: Jenny Mealing, CC BY 2.0, source
- Russian wedding traditions: GeorgeLouis, CC BY-SA 3.0, source
- Lovespoon: Btinsley785, CC BY-SA 4.0, source
- Handfasting: Sander van der Wel, CC BY-SA 2.0, source
- Wedding ring: CLW at English Wikipedia, Public domain, source
- Kolach: Лобачев Владимир, CC BY-SA 3.0, source
- Vechornytsi: Гейслер, Кристиан Готфрид Генрих, Public domain, source
- Acrostic ring: Jlblackmore, CC BY-SA 4.0, source
- Ochipok: Unknown author, CC0, source
- Dirndl: High Contrast, CC BY 3.0 de, source
- Engagement party: Melissa Gupta, CC BY-SA 2.0, source
- Badchen: Unknown author, Public domain, source
- Klezmer: Unknown artist identified as "M.D.", Public domain, source