Matchmaking, courtship and engagement
How a match is found, asked for and agreed: matchmakers, rings of promise, the first visit.
Before the wedding comes the finding and the asking: a matchmaker consulted, a horoscope compared, a family visit made, a ring or a gift given to seal the promise. Betrothal customs differ more than almost anything else in the wedding, because they depend on who decides: the couple, the parents, or both.
Who chooses
In Japan the omiai was an arranged first meeting with photographs and a go-between, called a nakodo. In India families still use biodata, community matrimonial pages and horoscope matching, and many marriages are arranged with the consent of both sides. In Western countries most couples meet on their own and the proposal is the key moment, often with a ring. In Jewish communities a shadchan may suggest a match, and in parts of the Gulf a mother or aunt might first visit the family on the bride's behalf.
Marking the promise
Betrothal has its own rites. In Punjab the roka and the shagun mark the families' agreement. In Greece the engagement is blessed by a priest and rings are exchanged. In Iran the khastegari is a formal visit in which the groom's family asks for the bride, and tea is served as a signal. In the Ottoman tradition and across Turkey the groom's family visits to ask, and the bride may serve coffee with salt as a test of good humour. Each of these is a stage in which the families get to know each other.
What is changing
Online dating and matrimonial apps have joined older channels. Many families who still arrange marriages now allow months of conversation before a decision. Engagement parties, proposal videos and social media announcements have also spread far beyond the West. At the same time, some communities have moved against engagement customs that pressured the bride's family for gifts.
About this page
Written by the EveryShaadi desk with AI assistance. Background on Matchmaking, courtship and engagement (kind of custom). Customs differ from place to place and family to family. If this is your tradition and we have it wrong, tell us.
🇮🇳 India and 1 moreMaithil Vivahमैथिल विवाह
The arranged Hindu marriage of Maithils in the Mithila region, guided by Vedic texts and local customs.Betrothal · Finding a match
🇮🇳 IndiaMadisarமடிசார் (Madisar)
The nine-yard sari drape worn by Tamil Brahmin women during weddings and religious rites.Attire · The ceremony
🇮🇳 IndiaOppanaഒപ്പന
A circle dance and song tradition of the Mappila Muslim community in Kerala weddingsPerformance · Engagement and betrothal
🇮🇳 IndiaShankha
White conch shell bangles worn by Bengali Hindu married women as a symbol of their husband's well-being.Adornment · Engagement and betrothal
🇱🇰 Sri LankaBeena marriage
A pre-Islamic Arabian custom where the husband moves to the wife's home and she keeps her own tent.Betrothal · Engagement and betrothal
🇮🇳 IndiaSambandam
The traditional matrilineal marriage alliance of Kerala's Nairs and Nambudiris.Betrothal · Finding a match
🇵🇰 Hunza, PakistanMayoon
A pre-wedding seclusion period in Pakistan where the bride stays away from her groom for up to two weeks.Betrothal · The weeks before
🇮🇳 India and 1 moreSvayamvaraस्वयंवर (svayaṃvara)
A ceremony where a bride selects her husband from assembled suitors or through a public contest.Betrothal · Engagement and betrothal
🇮🇳 IndiaChaklong wedding
The traditional Ahom marriage system involving rice powder mandalas and ancestral rituals.Rite · Finding a match
🇮🇳 IndiaVaramalaवरमाला (Varamālā)
The exchange of flower garlands that marks mutual acceptance in a Hindu wedding.Rite · The ceremony
🇮🇳 IndiaIndian wedding invitationsNimantraṇa patra (निमन्त्रण पत्र)
Decorated cards sent to announce a marriage and invite guests to the celebration.Betrothal · The weeks before
🇮🇳 IndiaTree marriage
A symbolic proxy marriage between a person and a tree to bypass restrictions on remarriageBetrothal · Engagement and betrothal
🇮🇳 IndiaGandharva marriageगान्धर्व विवाह (gāndharva vivāha)
A consensual union between a man and a woman without rituals or family involvement.Betrothal · Finding a match
🇮🇳 IndiaMehndi
The henna body art applied to brides and guests before a South Asian wedding ceremony.Adornment · The weeks before
🇮🇳 IndiaBride buying in India
The forced purchase of women from impoverished regions for arranged marriages in Northern India.Gift custom · Engagement and betrothal
🇮🇳 Lucknow, IndiaBabulबाबुल
The Hindi term for father that marks the emotional farewell of a bride leaving her home.Performance · The eve
🇮🇳 India and 1 moreLeirum Pheeꯂꯩꯔꯨꯝ ꯐꯤ
A traditional Meitei shawl given as a wedding gift from parents to daughtersAttire · Engagement and betrothal
🇮🇳 IndiaHindi wedding songs
Film and folk music that accompanies the stages of a North Indian Hindu wedding.Performance · Engagement and betrothal
🇮🇳 IndiaIndian wedding clothes
Traditional garments worn by Indian couples and guests across multiple days of celebrationAttire · The weeks before
🇮🇳 IndiaArabikalyanam
A temporary marriage arrangement between Arabian men and women in Kerala that has been linked to exploitation.Gift custom · Engagement and betrothal
🇮🇳 IndiaKettu KalyanamTālikettukalyānam
A mock marriage ritual in Kerala that marked a girl as ready for real unions by tying a sacred thread.Betrothal · The weeks before
🇮🇳 IndiaMeitei weddingLuhongba (ꯂꯨꯍꯣꯡꯕ)
The traditional union of the Meitei people, marked by clan exogamy and specific courtship rituals.Rite · Finding a match
🇳🇵 Bhaktapur, NepalIhiईही (Nepal Bhasa)
A pre-puberty rite where Newar girls in Nepal are symbolically married to a deity or fruit.Betrothal · The weeks before
🇮🇳 India and 2 moreArranged marriage in the Indian subcontinent
The family-led matchmaking process that shapes most marriages across South Asia.Betrothal · Finding a match
🇵🇰 Pakistan and 4 moreWatta sattaوٹّا سٹّا / شغار
A reciprocal marriage arrangement where two families swap brides to bind households and manage domestic tensions.Betrothal · Finding a match
🇮🇳 IndiaTelugu Hindu weddingతెలుగు వివాహ వేడుక
A multi-day Telugu Hindu marriage marked by seven vows around fire and family rituals.Rite · Finding a match
🇮🇳 India and 4 moreAuspicious wedding dates
The selection of lucky times for a ceremony based on astrology, numerology, and tradition.Betrothal · Engagement and betrothal
🇮🇳 India and 2 moreMangalsutraमङ्गलसूत्रम् (maṅgalasūtram)
The sacred necklace tied around the bride's neck to mark her marriage.Adornment · The ceremony
🇮🇳 IndiaZoroastrian wedding
A Zoroastrian marriage ceremony featuring hand-fastening, rice sprinkling, and shared meals.Rite · Engagement and betrothal
🇮🇳 IndiaSakharpuda
The Maharashtrian engagement rite where sugar and coconuts seal a verbal promise between families.Betrothal · Engagement and betrothal
🇮🇳 India and 1 moreAiburo Bhaatআইবুড়ো ভাত
The final bachelor feast for the bride and groom before their Bengali weddingFeast custom · The weeks before
🇮🇳 Delhi, India and 4 moreSindoorसिंदूर (Hindi)
The vermilion powder a Hindu husband applies to his wife's hair parting to mark her marriage.Adornment · Engagement and betrothal
🇮🇳 India and 1 moreKanyadanaकन्यादान (Kanyādāna)
The Hindu rite where a father gives his daughter in marriage to the groom.Rite · The ceremony
🇧🇹 Bhutan and 5 moreSororate marriage
A practice where a man marries his late or infertile wife's sister to keep family ties strong.Family role · After the wedding
🇮🇳 IndiaDaiva marriageदैवविवाह (Daivavivāha)
An ancient Hindu rite where a daughter is given to the priest who officiates her father's sacrifice.Vow · Engagement and betrothal
🇵🇰 Pakistan and 1 moreVaniونى (Urdu)
A forced child marriage used as compensation to settle tribal disputes in Pakistan.Gift custom · Engagement and betrothal
🇮🇳 Delhi, India and 2 moreKarva Chauthकरकचतुर्थी (Karakachaturthī)
A Hindu festival where married women fast from sunrise to moonrise for their husband's health and life.Betrothal · The weeks before
🇮🇳 Saurath, India and 2 moreSaurath Sabha
The annual Maithil Brahmin gathering in Bihar for arranged marriages based on lineage records.Betrothal · Finding a match
🇮🇳 Mysore, IndiaMysore Kalyanam
A fraudulent marriage scheme targeting women from Kerala for dowry moneyGift custom · Engagement and betrothal
🇮🇳 IndiaMangala Dosha
A Hindu astrological belief that Mars in a birth chart affects marriage compatibility and outcomes.Betrothal · Engagement and betrothal
🇮🇳 Sasaula, IndiaSasaula Sabha Gachhiससौला सभा गाछी
A historic gathering spot where Maithil Brahmin families matchmake and record marriages.Betrothal · Finding a match
🇳🇵 NepalSherpa marriage
The astrological matching and barley beer offering that binds a Sherpa couple.Betrothal · Finding a match
🇵🇰 Pakistan and 5 moreCousin marriage
A union between people who share a grandparent or recent ancestor, practiced in many regions and communities.Vow · Finding a match
🇮🇳 India and 2 moreNose jewelNath
A nose piercing ornament that signals marital status and social standing in South Asia and beyond.Adornment · The weeks before
🇮🇳 India and 5 morePolyandry
A marriage structure where one woman is wed to multiple men simultaneously or in sequence.Betrothal · Engagement and betrothal
Photo credits on this page
The small pictures above come from Wikimedia Commons under free licences. Some are cropped to fit.
- Svayamvara: Nandalal Bose, Public domain, source
- Indian wedding invitations: Onef9day, CC BY 3.0, source
- Gandharva marriage: Amitdighe, CC BY-SA 3.0, source
- Mehndi: AKS.9955, CC BY-SA 4.0, source
- Sherpa marriage: Dirk Pons, CC BY-SA 3.0, source
- Bride buying in India: Jorge Royan, CC BY-SA 3.0, source
- Karva Chauth: Iamwiki001, CC BY-SA 4.0, source
- Varamala: Sumita Roy Dutta, CC BY-SA 4.0, source
- Shankha: Salil Kumar Mukherjee, CC BY-SA 4.0, source
- Polyandry in India: Raja Ravi Varma, Public domain, source
- Saurath Sabha: Saurath Sabha, CC BY-SA 4.0, source
- Kanyadana: ArpitaRai, CC BY-SA 4.0, source
- Chaklong wedding: Chiring chandan, CC BY-SA 4.0, source
- Indian wedding clothes: Lee Jordan, CC BY-SA 2.0, source
- Meitei wedding: Dabu Leichombam, CC BY-SA 4.0, source
- Ihi: Dirghaman Chitrakar, Public domain, source
- Arranged marriage in the Indian subcontinent: Hindustanilanguage, CC BY-SA 3.0, source
- Oppana: Shagil Kannur, CC BY-SA 4.0, source
- Sindoor: Masum-al-hasan, CC BY-SA 3.0, source
- Maithil Vivah: Sntshkumar750, CC BY-SA 4.0, source
- Mayoon: katorisi, CC BY-SA 3.0, source
- Mangalsutra: Ackroydman, CC BY-SA 3.0, source
- Aiburo Bhaat: Ranganm2021, CC BY-SA 4.0, source
- Nose jewel: Etan Doronne @ www.myindiaexperience.com, CC BY-SA 3.0, source
- Cousin marriage: 綾絲, CC BY-SA 4.0, source