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EveryShaadi

Matchmaking, courtship and engagement

How a match is found, asked for and agreed: matchmakers, rings of promise, the first visit.

Before the wedding comes the finding and the asking: a matchmaker consulted, a horoscope compared, a family visit made, a ring or a gift given to seal the promise. Betrothal customs differ more than almost anything else in the wedding, because they depend on who decides: the couple, the parents, or both.

Who chooses

In Japan the omiai was an arranged first meeting with photographs and a go-between, called a nakodo. In India families still use biodata, community matrimonial pages and horoscope matching, and many marriages are arranged with the consent of both sides. In Western countries most couples meet on their own and the proposal is the key moment, often with a ring. In Jewish communities a shadchan may suggest a match, and in parts of the Gulf a mother or aunt might first visit the family on the bride's behalf.

Marking the promise

Betrothal has its own rites. In Punjab the roka and the shagun mark the families' agreement. In Greece the engagement is blessed by a priest and rings are exchanged. In Iran the khastegari is a formal visit in which the groom's family asks for the bride, and tea is served as a signal. In the Ottoman tradition and across Turkey the groom's family visits to ask, and the bride may serve coffee with salt as a test of good humour. Each of these is a stage in which the families get to know each other.

What is changing

Online dating and matrimonial apps have joined older channels. Many families who still arrange marriages now allow months of conversation before a decision. Engagement parties, proposal videos and social media announcements have also spread far beyond the West. At the same time, some communities have moved against engagement customs that pressured the bride's family for gifts.

About this page

Written by the EveryShaadi desk with AI assistance. Background on Matchmaking, courtship and engagement (kind of custom). Customs differ from place to place and family to family. If this is your tradition and we have it wrong, tell us.

RegionSouth AsiaSoutheast AsiaEast AsiaCentral Asia and the CaucasusMiddle EastNorth AfricaSub-Saharan AfricaEuropeNorth AmericaLatin America and the CaribbeanOceania
StageFinding a matchEngagement and betrothalThe weeks beforeThe eveProcession and arrivalThe ceremonyThe wedding feastReception, dance and giftsAfter the wedding
🇺🇸 United States and 5 moreMarriage proposal The moment one partner asks the other to marry them and marks the start of an engagement.Betrothal · Engagement and betrothal 🇺🇸 United StatesPre-Cana The Catholic Church course that helps engaged couples prepare for the sacrament of marriage.Betrothal · Engagement and betrothal 🇲🇽 Oaxaca, MexicoOaxacan wedding A multi-day Catholic celebration in Oaxaca featuring mole, mezcal, and communal dancing.Feast custom · Engagement and betrothal 🇺🇸 United StatesRehearsal dinner A pre-wedding meal held after the final practice to thank the wedding partyFeast custom · The weeks before 🇺🇸 United States and 5 moreBridesmaid A female attendant who supports the bride during a Western wedding ceremony.Family role · Engagement and betrothal 🇺🇸 United States and 5 moreBridal shower A pre-wedding gift-giving party hosted for the bride by her friends and family.Betrothal · Engagement and betrothal 🇨🇦 Montreal, Canada and 2 moreMarriage à la façon du pays The customary union between European fur traders and Indigenous women in North AmericaBetrothal · Finding a match 🇺🇸 United States and 2 moreSame-sex marriage and Judaism How different branches of Judaism handle the union of two people of the same sex.Modern · The ceremony 🇲🇽 Guadalajara, MexicoJarabe Tapatío A courtship dance from Guadalajara that uses a hat and flirtatious steps to symbolize Mexican identity.Performance · Reception, dance and gifts

Photo credits on this page

The small pictures above come from Wikimedia Commons under free licences. Some are cropped to fit.

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