Engagement and betrothal
The asking, the first gifts, the ring, the agreed date and the exchange between families.
Betrothal turns a possibility into a promise. The families agree, gifts are exchanged, a date is set and a ring or a token is given. In many places the engagement is nearly as important as the wedding itself, and in some it is the legally binding step.
The asking and the agreement
In Punjab the roka seals the match and is followed by a ceremony of gifts. In Iran the groom's family visits for the khastegari, then a sweet-eating ceremony called shirini khoran. In Greece the engagement may be blessed in church with rings on the right hand. In Ethiopia and Eritrea elders from both sides negotiate through a formal speech, and in southern Africa the lobola talks are held between the two families through representatives.
Rings and tokens
The engagement ring became widespread in the West after the diamond marketing of the twentieth century. Earlier tokens included a coin, a ring or a thimble. In Scandinavia both partners may wear plain engagement bands, in Germany rings are worn on the left hand during engagement and switched to the right after the wedding. In India the ring is often exchanged in a ceremony called sagai or mangni.
What is changing
Couples now propose to each other, announce online, and hold joint engagement parties. Some communities have shortened the engagement or merged it with the wedding to save cost. Where betrothal once bound families legally, it is now generally a social promise only, and breaking it carries less penalty than in the past.
Written by the EveryShaadi desk with AI assistance. Background on Engagement and betrothal (stage of the wedding). Customs differ from place to place and family to family. If this is your tradition and we have it wrong, tell us.
🇩🇪 Germany and 3 moreHerem of Rabbeinu GershomḤerem de-Rabbeinu Gershom
Medieval ordinances that banned polygyny and forced divorce for Ashkenazi Jews.Vow · Engagement and betrothal
🇲🇨 Monaco, MonacoRecognition of same-sex unions in Monacocontrat de vie commune; union civile
Legal frameworks for same-sex couples in Monaco, from cohabitation agreements to ongoing civil union debates.Modern · Engagement and betrothal
🇷🇴 Romania and 5 moreKlezmerקלעזמער
The instrumental dance music played by Ashkenazi Jewish musicians at weddings in Eastern Europe and beyondPerformance · Engagement and betrothal
🇷🇴 Romania and 5 moreKlezmerקלעזמער
The instrumental wedding music of Ashkenazi Jews, blending Eastern European and Jewish ritual melodies.Performance · Engagement and betrothal
🇳🇱 NetherlandsPoffer
The elaborate white headdress worn by married women in the Netherlands to mark their status.Attire · Engagement and betrothal
🇽🇰 Kosovo and 2 morePodruga
A second wife brought into the home to bear children when the first marriage is childless.Family role · Engagement and betrothal
🇩🇪 GermanyKranzgeld
The obsolete German legal compensation paid to a woman if her fiancé broke the engagement after sex.Vow · Engagement and betrothal
🇩🇰 Denmark and 5 moreWidow conservationÄnkekonservering
A Protestant custom where a new vicar married his predecessor's widow to secure her support.Betrothal · Engagement and betrothal
Photo credits on this page
The small pictures above come from Wikimedia Commons under free licences. Some are cropped to fit.
- Poffer: Unknown author, Public domain, source
- Klezmer: Syrena Records (Warsaw), Public domain, source
- Herem of Rabbeinu Gershom: Nixnubix, CC BY-SA 4.0, source
- Widow conservation: Keith Ruffles, CC BY 3.0, source
- Klezmer: Unknown artist identified as "M.D.", Public domain, source