Engagement and betrothal

The asking, the first gifts, the ring, the agreed date and the exchange between families.

Betrothal turns a possibility into a promise. The families agree, gifts are exchanged, a date is set and a ring or a token is given. In many places the engagement is nearly as important as the wedding itself, and in some it is the legally binding step.

The asking and the agreement

In Punjab the roka seals the match and is followed by a ceremony of gifts. In Iran the groom's family visits for the khastegari, then a sweet-eating ceremony called shirini khoran. In Greece the engagement may be blessed in church with rings on the right hand. In Ethiopia and Eritrea elders from both sides negotiate through a formal speech, and in southern Africa the lobola talks are held between the two families through representatives.

Rings and tokens

The engagement ring became widespread in the West after the diamond marketing of the twentieth century. Earlier tokens included a coin, a ring or a thimble. In Scandinavia both partners may wear plain engagement bands, in Germany rings are worn on the left hand during engagement and switched to the right after the wedding. In India the ring is often exchanged in a ceremony called sagai or mangni.

What is changing

Couples now propose to each other, announce online, and hold joint engagement parties. Some communities have shortened the engagement or merged it with the wedding to save cost. Where betrothal once bound families legally, it is now generally a social promise only, and breaking it carries less penalty than in the past.

About this page

Written by the EveryShaadi desk with AI assistance. Background on Engagement and betrothal (stage of the wedding). Customs differ from place to place and family to family. If this is your tradition and we have it wrong, tell us.

🇱🇰 Sri LankaBeena marriage A pre-Islamic Arabian custom where the husband moves to the wife's home and she keeps her own tent.Betrothal · Engagement and betrothal

🇮🇳 Bhuj, India and 1 moreBandhani A traditional Indian tie-dye method that creates intricate dot patterns by binding small sections of cloth before dyeingAttire · Engagement and betrothal

🇮🇳 IndiaShankha White conch shell bangles worn by Bengali Hindu married women as a symbol of their husband's well-being.Adornment · Engagement and betrothal

🇮🇳 IndiaOppanaഒപ്പന A circle dance and song tradition of the Mappila Muslim community in Kerala weddingsPerformance · Engagement and betrothal

🇮🇳 India and 1 moreSvayamvaraस्वयंवर (svayaṃvara) A ceremony where a bride selects her husband from assembled suitors or through a public contest.Betrothal · Engagement and betrothal

🇮🇳 Mumbai, India and 3 moreDowry system in Indiaदहेज (Hindi), ज़ेहर (Urdu) The transfer of cash and goods from the bride's family to the groom that has become a source of financial strain and vioGift custom · Engagement and betrothal 🇮🇳 IndiaTree marriage A symbolic proxy marriage between a person and a tree to bypass restrictions on remarriageBetrothal · Engagement and betrothal

🇮🇳 IndiaBride buying in India The forced purchase of women from impoverished regions for arranged marriages in Northern India.Gift custom · Engagement and betrothal 🇮🇳 India and 1 moreLeirum Pheeꯂꯩꯔꯨꯝ ꯐꯤ A traditional Meitei shawl given as a wedding gift from parents to daughtersAttire · Engagement and betrothal 🇮🇳 IndiaHindi wedding songs Film and folk music that accompanies the stages of a North Indian Hindu wedding.Performance · Engagement and betrothal

🇮🇳 IndiaOdia Hindu weddingBahaghara (ଓଡ଼ିଆ ବାହାଘର) The traditional Hindu marriage ceremony of the Odia people in Odisha, India.Rite · Engagement and betrothal 🇮🇳 IndiaArabikalyanam A temporary marriage arrangement between Arabian men and women in Kerala that has been linked to exploitation.Gift custom · Engagement and betrothal

🇮🇳 India and 5 moreDowry A payment of wealth from the bride's family to the groom or his household at marriage.Gift custom · Engagement and betrothal

🇮🇳 IndiaMeitei weddingLuhongba (ꯂꯨꯍꯣꯡꯕ) The traditional union of the Meitei people, marked by clan exogamy and specific courtship rituals.Rite · Finding a match

🇮🇳 India and 2 moreArranged marriage in the Indian subcontinent The family-led matchmaking process that shapes most marriages across South Asia.Betrothal · Finding a match 🇵🇰 Pakistan and 4 moreWatta sattaوٹّا سٹّا / شغار A reciprocal marriage arrangement where two families swap brides to bind households and manage domestic tensions.Betrothal · Finding a match 🇮🇳 IndiaTelugu Hindu weddingతెలుగు వివాహ వేడుక A multi-day Telugu Hindu marriage marked by seven vows around fire and family rituals.Rite · Finding a match 🇮🇳 India and 4 moreAuspicious wedding dates The selection of lucky times for a ceremony based on astrology, numerology, and tradition.Betrothal · Engagement and betrothal

🇮🇳 India and 2 moreHindu weddingvivaha (विवाह) The traditional marriage ceremony for Hindus, centered on sacred fire and seven vows.Rite · Engagement and betrothal 🇮🇳 IndiaZoroastrian wedding A Zoroastrian marriage ceremony featuring hand-fastening, rice sprinkling, and shared meals.Rite · Engagement and betrothal 🇮🇳 IndiaSakharpuda The Maharashtrian engagement rite where sugar and coconuts seal a verbal promise between families.Betrothal · Engagement and betrothal

🇮🇳 India and 1 moreAiburo Bhaatআইবুড়ো ভাত The final bachelor feast for the bride and groom before their Bengali weddingFeast custom · The weeks before

🇮🇳 IndiaChild marriage in India A contested practice where minors marry, defined by law as unions involving a bride under 18.Modern · Engagement and betrothal 🇮🇳 IndiaDaiva marriageदैवविवाह (Daivavivāha) An ancient Hindu rite where a daughter is given to the priest who officiates her father's sacrifice.Vow · Engagement and betrothal

🇮🇳 Delhi, India and 4 moreSindoorसिंदूर (Hindi) The vermilion powder a Hindu husband applies to his wife's hair parting to mark her marriage.Adornment · Engagement and betrothal 🇵🇰 Pakistan and 1 moreVaniونى (Urdu) A forced child marriage used as compensation to settle tribal disputes in Pakistan.Gift custom · Engagement and betrothal

🇮🇳 Kinnaur, IndiaPolyandry in India A practice where a woman has multiple husbands at the same time, found in specific Indian communities.Vow · Engagement and betrothal 🇵🇰 Lahore, Pakistan and 1 morePolygamy in Pakistan The legal allowance for Muslim men to have up to four wives under Pakistani law.Vow · Engagement and betrothal 🇮🇳 Sasaula, IndiaSasaula Sabha Gachhiससौला सभा गाछी A historic gathering spot where Maithil Brahmin families matchmake and record marriages.Betrothal · Finding a match

🇮🇳 Saurath, India and 2 moreSaurath Sabha The annual Maithil Brahmin gathering in Bihar for arranged marriages based on lineage records.Betrothal · Finding a match 🇦🇫 Kabul, AfghanistanPolygamy in Afghanistan The practice of Afghan men taking multiple wives under Islamic and civil law.Family role · Engagement and betrothal

🇳🇵 NepalInter-caste marriage in Nepalअन्तरजातीय विवाह Marriage across caste lines in a society where such unions were once illegal and remain socially contested.Vow · Engagement and betrothal 🇧🇩 BangladeshPolygamy in Bangladesh The practice of men taking multiple wives, regulated by different laws for Muslims and Hindus.Gift custom · Engagement and betrothal 🇮🇳 Mysore, IndiaMysore Kalyanam A fraudulent marriage scheme targeting women from Kerala for dowry moneyGift custom · Engagement and betrothal 🇲🇻 MaldivesPolygamy in the Maldives The legal practice allowing men to marry multiple wives under strict financial conditions.Gift custom · Engagement and betrothal 🇮🇳 IndiaMangala Dosha A Hindu astrological belief that Mars in a birth chart affects marriage compatibility and outcomes.Betrothal · Engagement and betrothal 🇱🇰 Kandy, Sri LankaKandyan marriage The traditional union rites of Sri Lanka's Buddhist Kandyan community, defined by residence and inheritance.Vow · Engagement and betrothal

🇳🇵 NepalSherpa marriage The astrological matching and barley beer offering that binds a Sherpa couple.Betrothal · Finding a match 🇮🇳 India and 3 moreInter-caste marriage A union between people of different castes, often contested in South Asia.Vow · Engagement and betrothal

🇮🇳 India and 5 morePolyandry A marriage structure where one woman is wed to multiple men simultaneously or in sequence.Betrothal · Engagement and betrothal

🇵🇰 Pakistan and 5 moreCousin marriage A union between people who share a grandparent or recent ancestor, practiced in many regions and communities.Vow · Finding a match

Photo credits on this page

The small pictures above come from Wikimedia Commons under free licences. Some are cropped to fit.

Svayamvara: Nandalal Bose, Public domain, source
Sherpa marriage: Dirk Pons, CC BY-SA 3.0, source
Bride buying in India: Jorge Royan, CC BY-SA 3.0, source
Shankha: Salil Kumar Mukherjee, CC BY-SA 4.0, source
Polyandry in India: Raja Ravi Varma, Public domain, source
Saurath Sabha: Saurath Sabha, CC BY-SA 4.0, source
Inter-caste marriage in Nepal: Sajan Pundit, CC BY-SA 4.0, source
Bandhani: RubyGoes, CC BY 2.0, source
Odia Hindu wedding: Aditya Mahar, CC BY-SA 3.0, source
Dowry: Vassili Vladimirovich Pukiryov, Public domain, source
Meitei wedding: Dabu Leichombam, CC BY-SA 4.0, source
Arranged marriage in the Indian subcontinent: Hindustanilanguage, CC BY-SA 3.0, source
Oppana: Shagil Kannur, CC BY-SA 4.0, source
Sindoor: Masum-al-hasan, CC BY-SA 3.0, source
Dowry system in India: Unknown author, Public domain, source
Hindu wedding: Dinesh Cyanam, CC BY-SA 2.0, source
Aiburo Bhaat: Ranganm2021, CC BY-SA 4.0, source
Child marriage in India: Baijayant, CC BY-SA 4.0, source
Cousin marriage: 綾絲, CC BY-SA 4.0, source