Engagement and betrothal
The asking, the first gifts, the ring, the agreed date and the exchange between families.
Betrothal turns a possibility into a promise. The families agree, gifts are exchanged, a date is set and a ring or a token is given. In many places the engagement is nearly as important as the wedding itself, and in some it is the legally binding step.
The asking and the agreement
In Punjab the roka seals the match and is followed by a ceremony of gifts. In Iran the groom's family visits for the khastegari, then a sweet-eating ceremony called shirini khoran. In Greece the engagement may be blessed in church with rings on the right hand. In Ethiopia and Eritrea elders from both sides negotiate through a formal speech, and in southern Africa the lobola talks are held between the two families through representatives.
Rings and tokens
The engagement ring became widespread in the West after the diamond marketing of the twentieth century. Earlier tokens included a coin, a ring or a thimble. In Scandinavia both partners may wear plain engagement bands, in Germany rings are worn on the left hand during engagement and switched to the right after the wedding. In India the ring is often exchanged in a ceremony called sagai or mangni.
What is changing
Couples now propose to each other, announce online, and hold joint engagement parties. Some communities have shortened the engagement or merged it with the wedding to save cost. Where betrothal once bound families legally, it is now generally a social promise only, and breaking it carries less penalty than in the past.
Written by the EveryShaadi desk with AI assistance. Background on Engagement and betrothal (stage of the wedding). Customs differ from place to place and family to family. If this is your tradition and we have it wrong, tell us.
🇯🇵 Tokyo, JapanMizuhiki水引
The knotted paper cord that adorns Japanese wedding gifts and envelopesAdornment · Engagement and betrothal
🇰🇷 South Korea and 5 moreBlessing ceremony of the Unification ChurchHoly Marriage Blessing Ceremony (축복결혼식)
A large-scale marriage rededication or new union ceremony that engrafts couples into a sinless lineage.Rite · Engagement and betrothal
🇰🇷 Seoul, South Korea and 1 moreMarriage in KoreaKorean marriage (결혼)
A look at how Korean weddings blend ancient Confucian rites with modern legal practices.Rite · Finding a match
🇹🇼 Taipei, TaiwanSame-sex marriage in Taiwan
The legal recognition of same-sex unions in Taiwan, the first in Asia.Modern · Engagement and betrothal
🇨🇳 China and 2 moreChinese pre-wedding customs三書六禮 (sàam syù luhk láih)
The traditional betrothal rituals of the Book of Rites that prepare a Chinese marriage.Betrothal · Finding a match
🇨🇳 China and 5 moreBride buying
The exchange of money or goods for a woman to become a wife.Gift custom · Engagement and betrothal
🇨🇳 China and 1 moreGhost marriage冥婚 (mínghūn)
A union arranged for deceased individuals to ensure harmony in the afterlife and care in this one.Rite · Finding a match
🇨🇳 ChinaTraditional Chinese marriage婚姻 (hūnyīn)
A union between two families governed by Confucian rites and the exchange of gifts.Rite · Finding a match
🇨🇳 China and 3 moreMarriage coin charm夫妇和合花钱 (fū fù hé hé huā qián)
Numismatic amulets from East Asia that carry wedding blessings and fertility symbols.Adornment · Engagement and betrothal
🇨🇳 Beijing, China and 1 moreMarriage market
Public spaces where families gather to find spouses for their children through listings and brokers.Betrothal · Finding a match
🇯🇵 JapanMiai見合い (Miai)
A traditional Japanese matchmaking meeting where a man and woman consider marriage with the help of a go-between.Betrothal · Finding a match
🇨🇳 China and 4 moreChinese wedding door games堵门游戏 (dǔmén yóuxì)
Challenges set by bridesmaids for the groom at the bride's home to prove his devotion.Play · Engagement and betrothal
🇨🇳 Beijing, China and 4 moreHeqin和親 (Héqīn)
A historical Chinese policy of uniting imperial families with neighboring rulers to secure peace.Betrothal · Engagement and betrothal
🇨🇳 China and 1 moreTongyangxi童養媳 (tóngyǎngxí); Hokkien: 媳婦仔 (sim-pū-á)
An adopted girl raised beside a son so a poor family could be sure he would have a wifeBetrothal · Engagement and betrothal
🇯🇵 Japan and 4 morePicture brideNakōdo (仲人) matchmaking; Jungmae gyeolhon (결혼) process
Early twentieth century marriages arranged through photographs between Asian immigrant men and women in Hawaii and the UBetrothal · Finding a match
🇨🇳 ChinaHebao荷包 (Hébāo)
A traditional Chinese embroidered pouch used for gifts, medicine, and romantic tokens.Adornment · Engagement and betrothal
🇨🇳 Fuzhou, China and 2 moreOil-Paper Umbrella油紙傘
A protective canopy shielding the bride from harm and blessing the marriageBlessing · Procession and arrival
🇨🇳 China and 1 moreXiapei霞帔
The embroidered scarf or waistcoat that marks a woman's status in Chinese and Korean weddingsAttire · Engagement and betrothal
🇰🇷 South KoreaChaesang채상 (Chaesang)
Woven bamboo boxes used to store dowry items in traditional Korean weddingsGift custom · Engagement and betrothal
🇯🇵 Kyoto, Japan and 5 moreTeeth blackeningohaguro
A traditional practice of dyeing teeth black to signal adulthood and beauty in parts of Asia and Oceania.Adornment · Engagement and betrothal
Photo credits on this page
The small pictures above come from Wikimedia Commons under free licences. Some are cropped to fit.
- Chinese wedding door games: elfgoh, CC BY-SA 2.0, source
- Miai: Unknown author, Public domain, source
- Xiapei: Unknown author, Public domain, source
- Same-sex marriage in Taiwan: Guy of taipei, CC BY-SA 3.0, source
- Tongyangxi: Unknown photographer, Public domain, source
- Teeth blackening: momo, CC BY 2.0, source
- Traditional Chinese marriage: Unknown author, Public domain, source
- Mizuhiki: User:FA2010, Public domain, source
- Marriage market: Tim Sheerman-Chase, CC BY 2.0, source
- Marriage in Korea: Jérôme Banal ( Eden2004 ), CC BY-SA 3.0, source
- Marriage coin charm: Scott Semans, CC BY 3.0, source
- Chinese pre-wedding customs: Anonymous ( China ) Unknown author, CC0, source
- Oil-Paper Umbrella: Richard, CC BY 2.0, source
- Blessing ceremony of the Unification Church: Unknown author, Public domain, source
- Heqin: पाटलिपुत्र, CC BY-SA 4.0, source