Around the world, families, matchmakers and friends have long had a hand in who marries whom.
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Around the world, families, matchmakers and friends have long had a hand in who marries whom. In some places the families decide and the couple agrees, in some the couple chooses and the families approve, and in many the two shade into each other. A consensual arranged marriage, where both people can say no, is very different from a forced marriage, which is a crime and a human-rights violation in most countries. What follows covers the first, and says so plainly about the second.
Few marriages today are purely one thing. Many couples in South Asia, the Middle East and East Asia meet through a family introduction, talk for weeks or months, and decide for themselves. Others fall in love first and then bring their parents in. In Europe and North America, friends, apps and workplaces play the role that the aunt or matchmaker played. The common thread is that marriage is seldom treated as only a private matter, and a couple usually wants the support of their families.
Matchmakers have many names: the Jewish shadchan, the Chinese meiren, the Korean jungmae, the Indian rishta aunty and the pandit who matches horoscopes. In the past the work was done in villages through kin and neighbours. Today there are websites, newspaper columns, community halls and speed-dating evenings that serve the same end. Courtship festivals, such as Imilchil in Morocco and the Gerewol of the Wodaabe, give young people a public setting in which to meet.
Marriage under free and full consent is a principle of international human-rights law, and forced marriage and child marriage are illegal or condemned in most countries. Where families arrange marriages, the line is consent: each person must be free to refuse. Where it is crossed, the results are serious, including coercion, abuse and, in some cases, so-called honour violence. Organisations in India, Pakistan, the United Kingdom and elsewhere help people who feel pressured, and several states run specific legal remedies.
Parents in many societies now put the final say in the couple's hands. Matrimonial sites let people filter by profession, community and diet. Many couples describe their marriage as semi-arranged, meeting through family and then making their own decision. Inter-caste, interfaith and same-sex partnerships are pushing against old limits, sometimes at personal cost, and the legal position differs from country to country.
Families often search through relatives, community networks and matrimonial websites, and may compare horoscopes (kundli) before a first meeting. Many couples meet a few times and then decide, and increasingly the couple make the first move themselves.
Read: Arranged marriage in the Indian subcontinentThe rishta process starts with a family visit to the prospective bride's home for tea. Families often prefer matches inside their wider kin, and cousin marriage is common; a nikah requires the free consent of both parties.
Arranged marriage, being writtenOmiai, a formal introduction arranged by family or a go-between, once accounted for most marriages and still exists, now alongside matchmaking agencies and events. The couple meets, often over tea or a meal, and either may decline.
Omiai, being writtenMatchmaking firms, family introductions called seon and blind-date meetings are common. Wedding agencies and genealogies are used by some families, and the engagement is marked by gifts called ham.
Read: MatchmakingParents gather in public parks, such as Shanghai's People's Park marriage market, to post notes on their grown children's age, job and salary. Online dating and village matchmakers sit alongside the old practice.
Read: Marriage marketIn the past, Hmong and other highland peoples gathered at the Sapa love market, where young people meet with songs and the khene pipe. Elsewhere in Vietnam, a formal visit to ask for the bride, the dam ngo, is made by the groom's family.
Sa Pa, being writtenAlso part of it, and being written: Arranged marriage (The overview of family-arranged marriage.), Omiai (The Japanese formal introduction.), Shidduch (Jewish matchmaking.), Gerewol (The Wodaabe courtship dance.), Imilchil Marriage Festival (The Moroccan gathering of the Berber tribes.), Lisdoonvarna Matchmaking Festival (Ireland's September matchmaking festival.), Forced marriage (Marriage without consent, and the law.).
In an arranged marriage both people are free to say yes or no. In a forced marriage one or both do not consent, and it is a crime or human-rights abuse in most countries.
Studies and personal accounts report a wide range of outcomes, as they do for any marriage. Many people in family-arranged marriages describe them as stable and warm, and others describe pressure, so each case needs to be seen in its own setting.
A person, often an older relative or a community figure, who suggests suitable partners and passes messages between the families. The shadchan, meiren and rishta aunty are examples.
It is legal in many countries, including much of the Middle East, South Asia and parts of Europe, and restricted in some states. Medical genetic counselling is available to families who want advice.
In many countries there are helplines and legal remedies, such as the United Kingdom's Forced Marriage Unit. Local police, courts and women's organisations can advise.
Written by the EveryShaadi desk with AI assistance. Customs differ from place to place and family to family. If this is your tradition and we have it wrong, tell us.
The traditions written up so far, best known first.
🇰🇷 Seoul, South Korea and 1 moreMarriage in KoreaKorean marriage (결혼)
A look at how Korean weddings blend ancient Confucian rites with modern legal practices.Rite · Finding a match
🇮🇳 India and 1 moreMaithil Vivahमैथिल विवाह
The arranged Hindu marriage of Maithils in the Mithila region, guided by Vedic texts and local customs.Betrothal · Finding a match
🇾🇪 Yemen and 4 moreKafa'ahالكفاءة (al-kafā'ah)
The Islamic legal principle of social and religious equivalence between spouses in marriage.Vow · Finding a match
🇸🇬 Singapore and 3 moreMatchmaking
The practice of pairing two people for marriage through an intermediary or system.Betrothal · Finding a match
🇰🇬 Kyrgyzstan and 2 moreAla kachuuала качуу
A Kyrgyz custom of taking a woman for marriage, ranging from consensual elopement to forced abduction.Betrothal · Finding a match
🇲🇷 Mauritania and 5 moreLeblouhالبلوح
The forced fattening of girls to improve their marriage prospects, a harmful practiceBetrothal · Finding a match
🇯🇵 JapanMiai見合い (Miai)
A traditional Japanese matchmaking meeting where a man and woman consider marriage with the help of a go-between.Betrothal · Finding a match
🇨🇦 Montreal, Canada and 2 moreMarriage à la façon du pays
The customary union between European fur traders and Indigenous women in North AmericaBetrothal · Finding a match
🇵🇭 PhilippinesPamamanhikan
The formal visit by the groom's family to ask the bride's parents for her hand in marriage.Betrothal · Finding a match
🇿🇦 South Africa and 1 moreLobololobola (Zulu, Xhosa, Swazi, Ndebele), mahadi (Sesotho), mahari (Swahili), magadi (Sepedi), bogadi (Setswana), lovola (Xi
The livestock or cash payment from a groom's family to a bride's family that formalizes a customary marriage in SouthernGift custom · Finding a match
🇵🇬 Papua New Guinea and 5 moreSister exchange
A marriage arrangement where two brothers each take a sister from the other family as their wife.Betrothal · Finding a match
🇨🇳 Shanghai, ChinaShanghai Marriage Market人民公园相亲角 (Rénmín Gōngyuán Xiāngqīn Jiǎo)
Parents pin written profiles of their unmarried children to strings in a Shanghai parkBetrothal · Finding a match
🇨🇳 ChinaTraditional Chinese marriage婚姻 (hūnyīn)
A union between two families governed by Confucian rites and the exchange of gifts.Rite · Finding a match
🇮🇳 India and 2 moreArranged marriage in the Indian subcontinent
The family-led matchmaking process that shapes most marriages across South Asia.Betrothal · Finding a match
🇨🇳 Beijing, China and 1 moreMarriage market
Public spaces where families gather to find spouses for their children through listings and brokers.Betrothal · Finding a match
🇨🇳 China and 1 moreGhost marriage冥婚 (mínghūn)
A union arranged for deceased individuals to ensure harmony in the afterlife and care in this one.Rite · Finding a match
🇵🇰 Pakistan and 4 moreWatta sattaوٹّا سٹّا / شغار
A reciprocal marriage arrangement where two families swap brides to bind households and manage domestic tensions.Betrothal · Finding a match
🇹🇱 Dili, Timor-Leste and 1 moreTimorese wedding traditionsBarlake
The gift exchange and family alliance rituals practiced on the island of Timor.Gift custom · Finding a match
🇸🇦 Saudi Arabia and 5 moreCousin marriage in the Middle East
A traditional practice of marrying close relatives, especially paternal cousins, across Middle Eastern communities.Betrothal · Finding a match
🇵🇭 Cebu, PhilippinesCourtship in the Philippines
A traditional Filipino courtship marked by serenade, service, and family involvement.Betrothal · Finding a match
🇮🇳 Saurath, India and 2 moreSaurath Sabha
The annual Maithil Brahmin gathering in Bihar for arranged marriages based on lineage records.Betrothal · Finding a match
🇳🇬 Nigeria and 1 moreSurrogate marriage
A woman marries another woman to bear children for her lineage when she cannot have them herself.Betrothal · Finding a match
🇳🇵 NepalSherpa marriage
The astrological matching and barley beer offering that binds a Sherpa couple.Betrothal · Finding a match
🇲🇲 Myanmar and 1 moreMayu-Dama
The Kachin kinship system that defines who can marry whom through wife-giver and wife-taker rolesBetrothal · Finding a match
🇵🇬 Papua New Guinea and 5 moreSister exchange
A marriage arrangement where two brothers each marry a sister from the other family.Betrothal · Finding a match
🇯🇵 Japan and 4 morePicture brideNakōdo (仲人) matchmaking; Jungmae gyeolhon (결혼) process
Early twentieth century marriages arranged through photographs between Asian immigrant men and women in Hawaii and the UBetrothal · Finding a match
🇯🇵 JapanYobai夜這い
A Japanese tradition of nighttime courtship visits before marriage.Betrothal · Finding a match
🇵🇰 Pakistan and 5 moreCousin marriage
A union between people who share a grandparent or recent ancestor, practiced in many regions and communities.Vow · Finding a match
The small pictures above come from Wikimedia Commons under free licences. Some are cropped to fit.
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