Around the world, families, matchmakers and friends have long had a hand in who marries whom.
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Around the world, families, matchmakers and friends have long had a hand in who marries whom. In some places the families decide and the couple agrees, in some the couple chooses and the families approve, and in many the two shade into each other. A consensual arranged marriage, where both people can say no, is very different from a forced marriage, which is a crime and a human-rights violation in most countries. What follows covers the first, and says so plainly about the second.
Few marriages today are purely one thing. Many couples in South Asia, the Middle East and East Asia meet through a family introduction, talk for weeks or months, and decide for themselves. Others fall in love first and then bring their parents in. In Europe and North America, friends, apps and workplaces play the role that the aunt or matchmaker played. The common thread is that marriage is seldom treated as only a private matter, and a couple usually wants the support of their families.
Matchmakers have many names: the Jewish shadchan, the Chinese meiren, the Korean jungmae, the Indian rishta aunty and the pandit who matches horoscopes. In the past the work was done in villages through kin and neighbours. Today there are websites, newspaper columns, community halls and speed-dating evenings that serve the same end. Courtship festivals, such as Imilchil in Morocco and the Gerewol of the Wodaabe, give young people a public setting in which to meet.
Marriage under free and full consent is a principle of international human-rights law, and forced marriage and child marriage are illegal or condemned in most countries. Where families arrange marriages, the line is consent: each person must be free to refuse. Where it is crossed, the results are serious, including coercion, abuse and, in some cases, so-called honour violence. Organisations in India, Pakistan, the United Kingdom and elsewhere help people who feel pressured, and several states run specific legal remedies.
Parents in many societies now put the final say in the couple's hands. Matrimonial sites let people filter by profession, community and diet. Many couples describe their marriage as semi-arranged, meeting through family and then making their own decision. Inter-caste, interfaith and same-sex partnerships are pushing against old limits, sometimes at personal cost, and the legal position differs from country to country.
Families often search through relatives, community networks and matrimonial websites, and may compare horoscopes (kundli) before a first meeting. Many couples meet a few times and then decide, and increasingly the couple make the first move themselves.
Read: Arranged marriage in the Indian subcontinentThe rishta process starts with a family visit to the prospective bride's home for tea. Families often prefer matches inside their wider kin, and cousin marriage is common; a nikah requires the free consent of both parties.
Arranged marriage, being writtenOmiai, a formal introduction arranged by family or a go-between, once accounted for most marriages and still exists, now alongside matchmaking agencies and events. The couple meets, often over tea or a meal, and either may decline.
Omiai, being writtenMatchmaking firms, family introductions called seon and blind-date meetings are common. Wedding agencies and genealogies are used by some families, and the engagement is marked by gifts called ham.
Read: MatchmakingParents gather in public parks, such as Shanghai's People's Park marriage market, to post notes on their grown children's age, job and salary. Online dating and village matchmakers sit alongside the old practice.
Read: Marriage marketIn the past, Hmong and other highland peoples gathered at the Sapa love market, where young people meet with songs and the khene pipe. Elsewhere in Vietnam, a formal visit to ask for the bride, the dam ngo, is made by the groom's family.
Sa Pa, being writtenAlso part of it, and being written: Arranged marriage (The overview of family-arranged marriage.), Omiai (The Japanese formal introduction.), Shidduch (Jewish matchmaking.), Gerewol (The Wodaabe courtship dance.), Imilchil Marriage Festival (The Moroccan gathering of the Berber tribes.), Lisdoonvarna Matchmaking Festival (Ireland's September matchmaking festival.), Forced marriage (Marriage without consent, and the law.).
In an arranged marriage both people are free to say yes or no. In a forced marriage one or both do not consent, and it is a crime or human-rights abuse in most countries.
Studies and personal accounts report a wide range of outcomes, as they do for any marriage. Many people in family-arranged marriages describe them as stable and warm, and others describe pressure, so each case needs to be seen in its own setting.
A person, often an older relative or a community figure, who suggests suitable partners and passes messages between the families. The shadchan, meiren and rishta aunty are examples.
It is legal in many countries, including much of the Middle East, South Asia and parts of Europe, and restricted in some states. Medical genetic counselling is available to families who want advice.
In many countries there are helplines and legal remedies, such as the United Kingdom's Forced Marriage Unit. Local police, courts and women's organisations can advise.
Written by the EveryShaadi desk with AI assistance. Customs differ from place to place and family to family. If this is your tradition and we have it wrong, tell us.
The traditions written up so far, best known first.
🇰🇷 Seoul, South Korea and 1 moreMarriage in KoreaKorean marriage (결혼)
A look at how Korean weddings blend ancient Confucian rites with modern legal practices.Rite · Finding a match
🇮🇳 IndiaSambandam
The traditional matrilineal marriage alliance of Kerala's Nairs and Nambudiris.Betrothal · Finding a match
🇮🇷 Iran and 1 moreNikahnikāḥ (Arabic: نِكَاح)
The Islamic marriage contract that establishes a binding union between two people.Vow · Engagement and betrothal
🇰🇷 South Korea and 5 moreBlessing ceremony of the Unification ChurchHoly Marriage Blessing Ceremony (축복결혼식)
A large-scale marriage rededication or new union ceremony that engrafts couples into a sinless lineage.Rite · Engagement and betrothal
🇾🇪 Yemen and 4 moreKafa'ahالكفاءة (al-kafā'ah)
The Islamic legal principle of social and religious equivalence between spouses in marriage.Vow · Finding a match
🇮🇳 India and 1 moreMaithil Vivahमैथिल विवाह
The arranged Hindu marriage of Maithils in the Mithila region, guided by Vedic texts and local customs.Betrothal · Finding a match
🇸🇬 Singapore and 3 moreMatchmaking
The practice of pairing two people for marriage through an intermediary or system.Betrothal · Finding a match
🇰🇬 Kyrgyzstan and 2 moreAla kachuuала качуу
A Kyrgyz custom of taking a woman for marriage, ranging from consensual elopement to forced abduction.Betrothal · Finding a match
🇮🇱 IsraelErusinאירוסין
The first stage of a Jewish marriage that consecrates the bride to the groom.Betrothal · Engagement and betrothal
🇵🇭 PhilippinesPamamanhikan
The formal visit by the groom's family to ask the bride's parents for her hand in marriage.Betrothal · Finding a match
🇳🇬 NigeriaFattening room
A traditional Nigerian retreat where Efik women are secluded to learn skills and gain weight before marriage.Betrothal · Engagement and betrothal
🇮🇩 IndonesiaMinangkabau marriage
A matrilineal wedding tradition from West Sumatra where the groom moves into the bride's family home.Family role · Engagement and betrothal
🇨🇦 Canada and 1 moreMarriage à la façon du paysMariage à la façon du pays
The common-law unions between European fur traders and Indigenous women that shaped North American history.Betrothal · Engagement and betrothal
🇮🇳 India and 2 moreArranged marriage in the Indian subcontinent
The family-led matchmaking process that shapes most marriages across South Asia.Betrothal · Finding a match
🇯🇵 JapanMiai見合い (Miai)
A traditional Japanese matchmaking meeting where a man and woman consider marriage with the help of a go-between.Betrothal · Finding a match
🇮🇳 Mumbai, India and 3 moreDowry system in Indiaदहेज (Hindi), ज़ेहर (Urdu)
The transfer of cash and goods from the bride's family to the groom that has become a source of financial strain and vioGift custom · Engagement and betrothal
🇮🇱 Israel and 1 moreYibbumייבום
A Jewish rite where a brother marries his childless deceased brother's widow to continue the family line.Vow · Engagement and betrothal
🇮🇱 Jerusalem, Israel and 2 moreJewish prenuptial agreement
A contract signed before the wedding to ensure a Jewish divorce can happen if one spouse refuses.Vow · Engagement and betrothal
🇮🇱 Jerusalem, Israel and 5 moreInterfaith marriage in Judaismשִׁדּוּג חַלּוּץ (Shidug Chalutz) / אינטרפייט מריאז' (Interafeyt Mariyaz')
The union of a Jew and a non-Jew, viewed as void by traditional law but increasingly common in modern communities.Vow · Engagement and betrothal
🇮🇱 Jerusalem, Israel and 4 moreAgunahעֲגוּנָה (Agunah)
A Jewish woman trapped in a marriage because her husband has not granted a religious divorce document known as a get.Vow · After the wedding
🇨🇳 Shanghai, ChinaShanghai Marriage Market人民公园相亲角 (Rénmín Gōngyuán Xiāngqīn Jiǎo)
Parents pin written profiles of their unmarried children to strings in a Shanghai parkBetrothal · Finding a match
🇲🇷 Mauritania and 5 moreLeblouhالبلوح
The forced fattening of girls to improve their marriage prospects, a harmful practiceBetrothal · Finding a match
🇨🇳 ChinaTraditional Chinese marriage婚姻 (hūnyīn)
A union between two families governed by Confucian rites and the exchange of gifts.Rite · Finding a match
🇿🇦 South Africa and 1 moreLobololobola (Zulu, Xhosa, Swazi, Ndebele), mahadi (Sesotho), mahari (Swahili), magadi (Sepedi), bogadi (Setswana), lovola (Xi
The livestock or cash payment from a groom's family to a bride's family that formalizes a customary marriage in SouthernGift custom · Finding a match
🇵🇬 Papua New Guinea and 5 moreSister exchange
A marriage arrangement where two brothers each take a sister from the other family as their wife.Betrothal · Finding a match
🇬🇧 United Kingdom and 1 moreRèiteach
A Scottish Gaelic betrothal ceremony where families negotiate marriage terms and celebrate with whisky.Betrothal · Engagement and betrothal
🇨🇳 China and 1 moreGhost marriage冥婚 (mínghūn)
A union arranged for deceased individuals to ensure harmony in the afterlife and care in this one.Rite · Finding a match
🇵🇰 Pakistan and 4 moreWatta sattaوٹّا سٹّا / شغار
A reciprocal marriage arrangement where two families swap brides to bind households and manage domestic tensions.Betrothal · Finding a match
🇨🇳 Beijing, China and 1 moreMarriage market
Public spaces where families gather to find spouses for their children through listings and brokers.Betrothal · Finding a match
🇹🇱 Dili, Timor-Leste and 1 moreTimorese wedding traditionsBarlake
The gift exchange and family alliance rituals practiced on the island of Timor.Gift custom · Finding a match
🇨🇳 ChinaNaked marriage裸婚 (luǒhūn)
A wedding without a house, car, or ring, chosen by couples in China for love and financial necessity.Modern · The weeks before
🇮🇳 India and 2 moreHindu weddingvivaha (विवाह)
The traditional marriage ceremony for Hindus, centered on sacred fire and seven vows.Rite · Engagement and betrothal
🇰🇪 KenyaKoito
A Kalenjin dowry negotiation ritual that marks the formal agreement between families.Gift custom · Engagement and betrothal
🇮🇳 IndiaSakharpuda
The Maharashtrian engagement rite where sugar and coconuts seal a verbal promise between families.Betrothal · Engagement and betrothal
🇪🇬 Egypt and 2 moreMisyar marriageزواج المسيار (zawāj al-misyār)
A Sunni Islamic contract where the wife waives cohabitation and financial support in exchange for a legal union.Vow · Engagement and betrothal
🇧🇹 Bhutan and 5 moreSororate marriage
A practice where a man marries his late or infertile wife's sister to keep family ties strong.Family role · After the wedding
🇮🇱 Israel and 5 moreLevirate marriage
A custom where a man marries his deceased brother's widow to protect her and keep the family line intact.Betrothal · After the wedding
🇨🇳 China and 5 morePosthumous marriageminghun
A union performed when one or both partners have died, kept in parts of Asia and permitted by law in a few nations.Betrothal · After the wedding
🇺🇸 United States and 5 moreInterfaith marriage
A union between spouses of different faiths, navigating legal and religious boundaries across the world.Vow · Engagement and betrothal
🇺🇸 United States and 2 moreLavender marriage
A heterosexual union formed to hide the queer identity of one or both partners and protect a public career.Vow · Engagement and betrothal
🇨🇳 Beijing, China and 4 moreHeqin和親 (Héqīn)
A historical Chinese policy of uniting imperial families with neighboring rulers to secure peace.Betrothal · Engagement and betrothal
🇮🇹 Rome, Italy and 1 moreContubernium
A recognized union between slaves or a slave and a free person in ancient RomeBetrothal · After the wedding
🇮🇱 Israel and 2 moreHeter meah rabbanimהיתר מאה רבנים
A rare exemption allowing a man to remarry when his wife refuses a Jewish divorce.Vow · After the wedding
🇰🇪 KenyaRecognition of same-sex unions in Kenya
The legal ban on gay marriage alongside traditional female-to-female unions that persist in some communities.Vow · Engagement and betrothal
🇳🇵 NepalInter-caste marriage in Nepalअन्तरजातीय विवाह
Marriage across caste lines in a society where such unions were once illegal and remain socially contested.Vow · Engagement and betrothal
🇪🇸 SpainRoyal Pragmatic on MarriageReal Pragmática
A Spanish law requiring parental permission for marriage to enforce social class boundaries.Vow · Engagement and betrothal
🇨🇳 China and 1 moreTongyangxi童養媳 (tóngyǎngxí); Hokkien: 媳婦仔 (sim-pū-á)
An adopted girl raised beside a son so a poor family could be sure he would have a wifeBetrothal · Engagement and betrothal
🇳🇵 NepalSherpa marriage
The astrological matching and barley beer offering that binds a Sherpa couple.Betrothal · Finding a match
The small pictures above come from Wikimedia Commons under free licences. Some are cropped to fit.
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