Around the world, families, matchmakers and friends have long had a hand in who marries whom.
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Around the world, families, matchmakers and friends have long had a hand in who marries whom. In some places the families decide and the couple agrees, in some the couple chooses and the families approve, and in many the two shade into each other. A consensual arranged marriage, where both people can say no, is very different from a forced marriage, which is a crime and a human-rights violation in most countries. What follows covers the first, and says so plainly about the second.
Few marriages today are purely one thing. Many couples in South Asia, the Middle East and East Asia meet through a family introduction, talk for weeks or months, and decide for themselves. Others fall in love first and then bring their parents in. In Europe and North America, friends, apps and workplaces play the role that the aunt or matchmaker played. The common thread is that marriage is seldom treated as only a private matter, and a couple usually wants the support of their families.
Matchmakers have many names: the Jewish shadchan, the Chinese meiren, the Korean jungmae, the Indian rishta aunty and the pandit who matches horoscopes. In the past the work was done in villages through kin and neighbours. Today there are websites, newspaper columns, community halls and speed-dating evenings that serve the same end. Courtship festivals, such as Imilchil in Morocco and the Gerewol of the Wodaabe, give young people a public setting in which to meet.
Marriage under free and full consent is a principle of international human-rights law, and forced marriage and child marriage are illegal or condemned in most countries. Where families arrange marriages, the line is consent: each person must be free to refuse. Where it is crossed, the results are serious, including coercion, abuse and, in some cases, so-called honour violence. Organisations in India, Pakistan, the United Kingdom and elsewhere help people who feel pressured, and several states run specific legal remedies.
Parents in many societies now put the final say in the couple's hands. Matrimonial sites let people filter by profession, community and diet. Many couples describe their marriage as semi-arranged, meeting through family and then making their own decision. Inter-caste, interfaith and same-sex partnerships are pushing against old limits, sometimes at personal cost, and the legal position differs from country to country.
Families often search through relatives, community networks and matrimonial websites, and may compare horoscopes (kundli) before a first meeting. Many couples meet a few times and then decide, and increasingly the couple make the first move themselves.
Read: Arranged marriage in the Indian subcontinentThe rishta process starts with a family visit to the prospective bride's home for tea. Families often prefer matches inside their wider kin, and cousin marriage is common; a nikah requires the free consent of both parties.
Arranged marriage, being writtenOmiai, a formal introduction arranged by family or a go-between, once accounted for most marriages and still exists, now alongside matchmaking agencies and events. The couple meets, often over tea or a meal, and either may decline.
Omiai, being writtenMatchmaking firms, family introductions called seon and blind-date meetings are common. Wedding agencies and genealogies are used by some families, and the engagement is marked by gifts called ham.
Read: MatchmakingParents gather in public parks, such as Shanghai's People's Park marriage market, to post notes on their grown children's age, job and salary. Online dating and village matchmakers sit alongside the old practice.
Read: Marriage marketIn the past, Hmong and other highland peoples gathered at the Sapa love market, where young people meet with songs and the khene pipe. Elsewhere in Vietnam, a formal visit to ask for the bride, the dam ngo, is made by the groom's family.
Sa Pa, being writtenAlso part of it, and being written: Arranged marriage (The overview of family-arranged marriage.), Omiai (The Japanese formal introduction.), Shidduch (Jewish matchmaking.), Gerewol (The Wodaabe courtship dance.), Imilchil Marriage Festival (The Moroccan gathering of the Berber tribes.), Lisdoonvarna Matchmaking Festival (Ireland's September matchmaking festival.), Forced marriage (Marriage without consent, and the law.).
In an arranged marriage both people are free to say yes or no. In a forced marriage one or both do not consent, and it is a crime or human-rights abuse in most countries.
Studies and personal accounts report a wide range of outcomes, as they do for any marriage. Many people in family-arranged marriages describe them as stable and warm, and others describe pressure, so each case needs to be seen in its own setting.
A person, often an older relative or a community figure, who suggests suitable partners and passes messages between the families. The shadchan, meiren and rishta aunty are examples.
It is legal in many countries, including much of the Middle East, South Asia and parts of Europe, and restricted in some states. Medical genetic counselling is available to families who want advice.
In many countries there are helplines and legal remedies, such as the United Kingdom's Forced Marriage Unit. Local police, courts and women's organisations can advise.
Written by the EveryShaadi desk with AI assistance. Customs differ from place to place and family to family. If this is your tradition and we have it wrong, tell us.
The traditions written up so far, best known first.
🇮🇷 Iran and 1 moreNikahnikāḥ (Arabic: نِكَاح)
The Islamic marriage contract that establishes a binding union between two people.Vow · Engagement and betrothal
🇮🇳 India and 3 moreNikah halalaنکاح حلالہ
A second marriage required for a woman to remarry her first husband after triple talaq.Vow · After the wedding
🇮🇳 IndiaSambandam
The traditional matrilineal marriage alliance of Kerala's Nairs and Nambudiris.Betrothal · Finding a match
🇰🇷 South Korea and 5 moreBlessing ceremony of the Unification ChurchHoly Marriage Blessing Ceremony (축복결혼식)
A large-scale marriage rededication or new union ceremony that engrafts couples into a sinless lineage.Rite · Engagement and betrothal
🇾🇪 Yemen and 4 moreKafa'ahالكفاءة (al-kafā'ah)
The Islamic legal principle of social and religious equivalence between spouses in marriage.Vow · Finding a match
🇺🇸 United States and 5 moreMarriage proposal
The moment one partner asks the other to marry them and marks the start of an engagement.Betrothal · Engagement and betrothal
🇮🇱 IsraelErusinאירוסין
The first stage of a Jewish marriage that consecrates the bride to the groom.Betrothal · Engagement and betrothal
🇮🇩 IndonesiaNgerorod
A traditional Balinese Hindu elopement where couples marry by mutual consent despite family opposition.Betrothal · Finding a match
🇵🇭 Philippines and 5 moreElopement
A secret marriage conducted without parental approval or public notice to bypass objections or legal barriers.Modern · The weeks before
🇮🇱 Jerusalem, Israel and 5 moreInterfaith marriage in Judaismשִׁדּוּג חַלּוּץ (Shidug Chalutz) / אינטרפייט מריאז' (Interafeyt Mariyaz')
The union of a Jew and a non-Jew, viewed as void by traditional law but increasingly common in modern communities.Vow · Engagement and betrothal
🇮🇳 Mumbai, India and 3 moreDowry system in Indiaदहेज (Hindi), ज़ेहर (Urdu)
The transfer of cash and goods from the bride's family to the groom that has become a source of financial strain and vioGift custom · Engagement and betrothal
🇮🇳 IndiaGandharva marriageगान्धर्व विवाह (gāndharva vivāha)
A consensual union between a man and a woman without rituals or family involvement.Betrothal · Finding a match
🇮🇳 India and 2 moreHindu weddingvivaha (विवाह)
The traditional marriage ceremony for Hindus, centered on sacred fire and seven vows.Rite · Engagement and betrothal
🇮🇱 Jerusalem, Israel and 4 moreAgunahעֲגוּנָה (Agunah)
A Jewish woman trapped in a marriage because her husband has not granted a religious divorce document known as a get.Vow · After the wedding
🇪🇬 EgyptNikah 'urfiنكاح العرفي
An unregistered Islamic contract that allows couples to marry without state recognition or public ceremony.Betrothal · The weeks before
🇮🇱 Israel and 1 moreYibbumייבום
A Jewish rite where a brother marries his childless deceased brother's widow to continue the family line.Vow · Engagement and betrothal
🇮🇱 Jerusalem, Israel and 2 moreJewish prenuptial agreement
A contract signed before the wedding to ensure a Jewish divorce can happen if one spouse refuses.Vow · Engagement and betrothal
🇺🇸 United StatesPre-Cana
The Catholic Church course that helps engaged couples prepare for the sacrament of marriage.Betrothal · Engagement and betrothal
🇮🇱 Israel and 5 moreLevirate marriage
A custom where a man marries his deceased brother's widow to protect her and keep the family line intact.Betrothal · After the wedding
🇨🇳 China and 5 morePosthumous marriageminghun
A union performed when one or both partners have died, kept in parts of Asia and permitted by law in a few nations.Betrothal · After the wedding
🇩🇪 Germany and 5 moreMorganatic marriageEhe zur linken Hand
A union between people of unequal rank that bars the spouse and children from inheriting titles or throne rights.Vow · Engagement and betrothal
🇺🇸 United States and 2 moreLavender marriage
A heterosexual union formed to hide the queer identity of one or both partners and protect a public career.Vow · Engagement and betrothal
🇺🇸 United States and 5 moreInterfaith marriage
A union between spouses of different faiths, navigating legal and religious boundaries across the world.Vow · Engagement and betrothal
🇪🇬 Egypt and 2 moreMisyar marriageزواج المسيار (zawāj al-misyār)
A Sunni Islamic contract where the wife waives cohabitation and financial support in exchange for a legal union.Vow · Engagement and betrothal
🇨🇳 Beijing, China and 4 moreHeqin和親 (Héqīn)
A historical Chinese policy of uniting imperial families with neighboring rulers to secure peace.Betrothal · Engagement and betrothal
🇳🇵 NepalInter-caste marriage in Nepalअन्तरजातीय विवाह
Marriage across caste lines in a society where such unions were once illegal and remain socially contested.Vow · Engagement and betrothal
🇮🇱 Israel and 2 moreHeter meah rabbanimהיתר מאה רבנים
A rare exemption allowing a man to remarry when his wife refuses a Jewish divorce.Vow · After the wedding
🇱🇰 Kandy, Sri LankaKandyan marriage
The traditional union rites of Sri Lanka's Buddhist Kandyan community, defined by residence and inheritance.Vow · Engagement and betrothal
🇮🇷 Iran and 3 moreXwedodahxwidōdāh
A Zoroastrian rite of close-kin marriage rooted in ancient cosmology and royal tradition.Betrothal · Engagement and betrothal
🇪🇸 SpainRoyal Pragmatic on MarriageReal Pragmática
A Spanish law requiring parental permission for marriage to enforce social class boundaries.Vow · Engagement and betrothal
🇫🇷 France and 4 moreMore danicodansk skik
A Medieval Scandinavian marriage custom allowing polygyny and secular unions outside church control.Betrothal · Engagement and betrothal
🇰🇪 KenyaRecognition of same-sex unions in Kenya
The legal ban on gay marriage alongside traditional female-to-female unions that persist in some communities.Vow · Engagement and betrothal
🇵🇬 Papua New Guinea and 5 moreSister exchange
A marriage arrangement where two brothers each marry a sister from the other family.Betrothal · Finding a match
🇺🇿 UzbekistanPolygamy in Uzbekistan
The practice of men taking multiple wives in a country where the law strictly forbids it.Modern · Engagement and betrothal
The small pictures above come from Wikimedia Commons under free licences. Some are cropped to fit.
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