Around the world, families, matchmakers and friends have long had a hand in who marries whom.
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Around the world, families, matchmakers and friends have long had a hand in who marries whom. In some places the families decide and the couple agrees, in some the couple chooses and the families approve, and in many the two shade into each other. A consensual arranged marriage, where both people can say no, is very different from a forced marriage, which is a crime and a human-rights violation in most countries. What follows covers the first, and says so plainly about the second.
Few marriages today are purely one thing. Many couples in South Asia, the Middle East and East Asia meet through a family introduction, talk for weeks or months, and decide for themselves. Others fall in love first and then bring their parents in. In Europe and North America, friends, apps and workplaces play the role that the aunt or matchmaker played. The common thread is that marriage is seldom treated as only a private matter, and a couple usually wants the support of their families.
Matchmakers have many names: the Jewish shadchan, the Chinese meiren, the Korean jungmae, the Indian rishta aunty and the pandit who matches horoscopes. In the past the work was done in villages through kin and neighbours. Today there are websites, newspaper columns, community halls and speed-dating evenings that serve the same end. Courtship festivals, such as Imilchil in Morocco and the Gerewol of the Wodaabe, give young people a public setting in which to meet.
Marriage under free and full consent is a principle of international human-rights law, and forced marriage and child marriage are illegal or condemned in most countries. Where families arrange marriages, the line is consent: each person must be free to refuse. Where it is crossed, the results are serious, including coercion, abuse and, in some cases, so-called honour violence. Organisations in India, Pakistan, the United Kingdom and elsewhere help people who feel pressured, and several states run specific legal remedies.
Parents in many societies now put the final say in the couple's hands. Matrimonial sites let people filter by profession, community and diet. Many couples describe their marriage as semi-arranged, meeting through family and then making their own decision. Inter-caste, interfaith and same-sex partnerships are pushing against old limits, sometimes at personal cost, and the legal position differs from country to country.
Families often search through relatives, community networks and matrimonial websites, and may compare horoscopes (kundli) before a first meeting. Many couples meet a few times and then decide, and increasingly the couple make the first move themselves.
Read: Arranged marriage in the Indian subcontinentThe rishta process starts with a family visit to the prospective bride's home for tea. Families often prefer matches inside their wider kin, and cousin marriage is common; a nikah requires the free consent of both parties.
Arranged marriage, being writtenOmiai, a formal introduction arranged by family or a go-between, once accounted for most marriages and still exists, now alongside matchmaking agencies and events. The couple meets, often over tea or a meal, and either may decline.
Omiai, being writtenMatchmaking firms, family introductions called seon and blind-date meetings are common. Wedding agencies and genealogies are used by some families, and the engagement is marked by gifts called ham.
Read: MatchmakingParents gather in public parks, such as Shanghai's People's Park marriage market, to post notes on their grown children's age, job and salary. Online dating and village matchmakers sit alongside the old practice.
Read: Marriage marketIn the past, Hmong and other highland peoples gathered at the Sapa love market, where young people meet with songs and the khene pipe. Elsewhere in Vietnam, a formal visit to ask for the bride, the dam ngo, is made by the groom's family.
Sa Pa, being writtenAlso part of it, and being written: Arranged marriage (The overview of family-arranged marriage.), Omiai (The Japanese formal introduction.), Shidduch (Jewish matchmaking.), Gerewol (The Wodaabe courtship dance.), Imilchil Marriage Festival (The Moroccan gathering of the Berber tribes.), Lisdoonvarna Matchmaking Festival (Ireland's September matchmaking festival.), Forced marriage (Marriage without consent, and the law.).
In an arranged marriage both people are free to say yes or no. In a forced marriage one or both do not consent, and it is a crime or human-rights abuse in most countries.
Studies and personal accounts report a wide range of outcomes, as they do for any marriage. Many people in family-arranged marriages describe them as stable and warm, and others describe pressure, so each case needs to be seen in its own setting.
A person, often an older relative or a community figure, who suggests suitable partners and passes messages between the families. The shadchan, meiren and rishta aunty are examples.
It is legal in many countries, including much of the Middle East, South Asia and parts of Europe, and restricted in some states. Medical genetic counselling is available to families who want advice.
In many countries there are helplines and legal remedies, such as the United Kingdom's Forced Marriage Unit. Local police, courts and women's organisations can advise.
Written by the EveryShaadi desk with AI assistance. Customs differ from place to place and family to family. If this is your tradition and we have it wrong, tell us.
The traditions written up so far, best known first.
🇮🇳 India and 2 moreHindu weddingvivaha (विवाह)
The traditional marriage ceremony for Hindus, centered on sacred fire and seven vows.Rite · Engagement and betrothal
🇧🇳 BruneiBrunei Malay wedding
The sequence of ceremonies that mark the engagement and marriage of Brunei Malays.Rite · Finding a match
🇮🇳 IndiaZoroastrian wedding
A Zoroastrian marriage ceremony featuring hand-fastening, rice sprinkling, and shared meals.Rite · Engagement and betrothal
🇬🇧 United Kingdom and 1 moreRèiteach
A Scottish Gaelic betrothal ceremony where families negotiate marriage terms and celebrate with whisky.Betrothal · Engagement and betrothal
🇮🇷 Iran and 5 moreNikah mut'ahنكاح المتعة
A private contract for a fixed-term marriage practiced in Twelver Shia Islam.Vow · Engagement and betrothal
🇮🇱 Israel and 1 moreBaháʼí marriage
A spiritual union requiring parental consent and a specific vow to establish harmony between partners.Rite · Finding a match
🇮🇩 IndonesiaMinangkabau marriage
A matrilineal wedding tradition from West Sumatra where the groom moves into the bride's family home.Family role · Engagement and betrothal
🇪🇬 Egypt and 5 moreArab weddingزفاف or فرح or عرس
A series of family-centered rites and processions that mark marriage across the Arab world.Rite · Finding a match
🇵🇭 PhilippinesPamamanhikan
The formal visit by the groom's family to ask the bride's parents for her hand in marriage.Betrothal · Finding a match
🇿🇦 South Africa and 1 moreLobololobola (Zulu, Xhosa, Swazi, Ndebele), mahadi (Sesotho), mahari (Swahili), magadi (Sepedi), bogadi (Setswana), lovola (Xi
The livestock or cash payment from a groom's family to a bride's family that formalizes a customary marriage in SouthernGift custom · Finding a match
🇵🇬 Papua New Guinea and 5 moreSister exchange
A marriage arrangement where two brothers each take a sister from the other family as their wife.Betrothal · Finding a match
🇺🇸 United States and 5 moreInterfaith marriage
A union between spouses of different faiths, navigating legal and religious boundaries across the world.Vow · Engagement and betrothal
🇺🇸 United States and 2 moreLavender marriage
A heterosexual union formed to hide the queer identity of one or both partners and protect a public career.Vow · Engagement and betrothal
🇩🇪 Germany and 5 moreMorganatic marriageEhe zur linken Hand
A union between people of unequal rank that bars the spouse and children from inheriting titles or throne rights.Vow · Engagement and betrothal
🇪🇬 Egypt and 2 moreMisyar marriageزواج المسيار (zawāj al-misyār)
A Sunni Islamic contract where the wife waives cohabitation and financial support in exchange for a legal union.Vow · Engagement and betrothal
🇵🇰 Pakistan and 1 moreVaniونى (Urdu)
A forced child marriage used as compensation to settle tribal disputes in Pakistan.Gift custom · Engagement and betrothal
🇨🇳 Beijing, China and 4 moreHeqin和親 (Héqīn)
A historical Chinese policy of uniting imperial families with neighboring rulers to secure peace.Betrothal · Engagement and betrothal
🇰🇪 Kenya and 1 moreAyie
The Luo bride price ceremony where the mother accepts payment and agrees to the marriage.Gift custom · Engagement and betrothal
🇱🇰 Kandy, Sri LankaKandyan marriage
The traditional union rites of Sri Lanka's Buddhist Kandyan community, defined by residence and inheritance.Vow · Engagement and betrothal
🇰🇪 KenyaRecognition of same-sex unions in Kenya
The legal ban on gay marriage alongside traditional female-to-female unions that persist in some communities.Vow · Engagement and betrothal
🇲🇲 Myanmar and 1 moreMayu-Dama
The Kachin kinship system that defines who can marry whom through wife-giver and wife-taker rolesBetrothal · Finding a match
🇮🇳 Sasaula, IndiaSasaula Sabha Gachhiससौला सभा गाछी
A historic gathering spot where Maithil Brahmin families matchmake and record marriages.Betrothal · Finding a match
🇨🇳 China and 1 moreTongyangxi童養媳 (tóngyǎngxí); Hokkien: 媳婦仔 (sim-pū-á)
An adopted girl raised beside a son so a poor family could be sure he would have a wifeBetrothal · Engagement and betrothal
🇳🇵 NepalInter-caste marriage in Nepalअन्तरजातीय विवाह
Marriage across caste lines in a society where such unions were once illegal and remain socially contested.Vow · Engagement and betrothal
🇵🇬 Papua New Guinea and 5 moreSister exchange
A marriage arrangement where two brothers each marry a sister from the other family.Betrothal · Finding a match
🇬🇭 GhanaPolygamy in Ghana
A practice where a man has multiple wives, recognized under customary law but illegal under civil statutes.Family role · Engagement and betrothal
🇮🇷 Iran and 3 moreXwedodahxwidōdāh
A Zoroastrian rite of close-kin marriage rooted in ancient cosmology and royal tradition.Betrothal · Engagement and betrothal
🇺🇿 UzbekistanPolygamy in Uzbekistan
The practice of men taking multiple wives in a country where the law strictly forbids it.Modern · Engagement and betrothal
🇮🇳 Mysore, IndiaMysore Kalyanam
A fraudulent marriage scheme targeting women from Kerala for dowry moneyGift custom · Engagement and betrothal
🇮🇳 Saurath, India and 2 moreSaurath Sabha
The annual Maithil Brahmin gathering in Bihar for arranged marriages based on lineage records.Betrothal · Finding a match
🇵🇭 Cebu, PhilippinesCourtship in the Philippines
A traditional Filipino courtship marked by serenade, service, and family involvement.Betrothal · Finding a match
🇯🇵 Japan and 4 morePicture brideNakōdo (仲人) matchmaking; Jungmae gyeolhon (결혼) process
Early twentieth century marriages arranged through photographs between Asian immigrant men and women in Hawaii and the UBetrothal · Finding a match
🇫🇷 France and 4 moreMore danicodansk skik
A Medieval Scandinavian marriage custom allowing polygyny and secular unions outside church control.Betrothal · Engagement and betrothal
🇳🇵 NepalSherpa marriage
The astrological matching and barley beer offering that binds a Sherpa couple.Betrothal · Finding a match
🇳🇬 Nigeria and 1 moreSurrogate marriage
A woman marries another woman to bear children for her lineage when she cannot have them herself.Betrothal · Finding a match
🇸🇦 Saudi Arabia and 5 moreCousin marriage in the Middle East
A traditional practice of marrying close relatives, especially paternal cousins, across Middle Eastern communities.Betrothal · Finding a match
🇪🇸 SpainRoyal Pragmatic on MarriageReal Pragmática
A Spanish law requiring parental permission for marriage to enforce social class boundaries.Vow · Engagement and betrothal
🇵🇭 Quezon City, PhilippinesBinukot
A Visayan custom of secluding young noblewomen to preserve their purity and elevate their marriage value.Betrothal · The weeks before
🇩🇰 Denmark and 5 moreWidow conservationÄnkekonservering
A Protestant custom where a new vicar married his predecessor's widow to secure her support.Betrothal · Engagement and betrothal
🇮🇳 India and 3 moreInter-caste marriage
A union between people of different castes, often contested in South Asia.Vow · Engagement and betrothal
🇮🇳 India and 5 morePolyandry
A marriage structure where one woman is wed to multiple men simultaneously or in sequence.Betrothal · Engagement and betrothal
🇵🇰 Pakistan and 5 moreCousin marriage
A union between people who share a grandparent or recent ancestor, practiced in many regions and communities.Vow · Finding a match
The small pictures above come from Wikimedia Commons under free licences. Some are cropped to fit.
Every week: one wedding tradition from somewhere new, the wedding days coming up around the world, and one idea explained.
