Matchmaking, courtship and engagement
How a match is found, asked for and agreed: matchmakers, rings of promise, the first visit.
Before the wedding comes the finding and the asking: a matchmaker consulted, a horoscope compared, a family visit made, a ring or a gift given to seal the promise. Betrothal customs differ more than almost anything else in the wedding, because they depend on who decides: the couple, the parents, or both.
Who chooses
In Japan the omiai was an arranged first meeting with photographs and a go-between, called a nakodo. In India families still use biodata, community matrimonial pages and horoscope matching, and many marriages are arranged with the consent of both sides. In Western countries most couples meet on their own and the proposal is the key moment, often with a ring. In Jewish communities a shadchan may suggest a match, and in parts of the Gulf a mother or aunt might first visit the family on the bride's behalf.
Marking the promise
Betrothal has its own rites. In Punjab the roka and the shagun mark the families' agreement. In Greece the engagement is blessed by a priest and rings are exchanged. In Iran the khastegari is a formal visit in which the groom's family asks for the bride, and tea is served as a signal. In the Ottoman tradition and across Turkey the groom's family visits to ask, and the bride may serve coffee with salt as a test of good humour. Each of these is a stage in which the families get to know each other.
What is changing
Online dating and matrimonial apps have joined older channels. Many families who still arrange marriages now allow months of conversation before a decision. Engagement parties, proposal videos and social media announcements have also spread far beyond the West. At the same time, some communities have moved against engagement customs that pressured the bride's family for gifts.
About this page
Written by the EveryShaadi desk with AI assistance. Background on Matchmaking, courtship and engagement (kind of custom). Customs differ from place to place and family to family. If this is your tradition and we have it wrong, tell us.
🇨🇱 Santiago, Chile and 3 moreCueca
A courtship dance from Chile and the Andes where couples trace circles with handkerchiefs to reenact a rooster and hen.Performance · The eve
🇬🇪 Tbilisi, GeorgiaKartuliქართული ცეკვა
A romantic Georgian wedding dance where the couple dances apart without touching.Performance · Reception, dance and gifts
🇪🇬 Cairo, EgyptTahtibتحطيب (taḥṭīb)
A traditional Egyptian stick-fighting martial art that evolved into a folk dance performed at weddings and celebrations.Performance · The weeks before
🇾🇪 Yemen and 4 moreKafa'ahالكفاءة (al-kafā'ah)
The Islamic legal principle of social and religious equivalence between spouses in marriage.Vow · Finding a match
🇲🇾 Malaysia and 4 moreBaju Kurungباجو كوروڠ
The traditional blouse and skirt worn by Malay women for weddings and religious ceremoniesAttire · The weeks before
🇼🇸 Samoa and 3 moreʻIe tōga
Prestige woven mats exchanged at Samoan weddings to honor family ties and chiefly status.Attire · The ceremony
🇮🇳 IndiaOppanaഒപ്പന
A circle dance and song tradition of the Mappila Muslim community in Kerala weddingsPerformance · Engagement and betrothal
🇮🇳 IndiaShankha
White conch shell bangles worn by Bengali Hindu married women as a symbol of their husband's well-being.Adornment · Engagement and betrothal
🇪🇹 Addis Ababa, EthiopiaWedding customs in Ethiopia
A collection of diverse marriage rites across Ethiopian tribes and the Orthodox Christian community.Rite · Finding a match
🇳🇪 In-Gall, Niger and 2 moreGuérewol
A week-long courtship dance where Wodaabe men display their beauty to win the attention of marriageable women.Rite · The weeks before
🇮🇩 IndonesiaUlosᯥᯞᯘᯬ᯲
The hand-woven textile that binds Batak couples in marriage and symbolizes warmth.Attire · The ceremony
🇵🇰 Hunza, PakistanMayoon
A pre-wedding seclusion period in Pakistan where the bride stays away from her groom for up to two weeks.Betrothal · The weeks before
🇰🇷 Seoul, South Korea and 1 moreMarriage in KoreaKorean marriage (결혼)
A look at how Korean weddings blend ancient Confucian rites with modern legal practices.Rite · Finding a match
🇸🇿 Ludzidzini Royal Village, Eswatini and 1 moreUmhlanga
The annual Swazi and Zulu gathering where young women cut reeds to preserve chastity and offer tribute labour.Rite · The eve
🇮🇳 IndiaMadisarமடிசார் (Madisar)
The nine-yard sari drape worn by Tamil Brahmin women during weddings and religious rites.Attire · The ceremony
🇪🇬 Egypt and 4 moreWaist beads
Strands of glass or seed worn around the hips to mark womanhood and track body changes in West and North Africa.Adornment · Engagement and betrothal
🇮🇹 ItalyFescennine VersesFescennina carmina
Bawdy wedding songs from Ancient Rome that evolved into satire and comic drama.Performance · Engagement and betrothal
🇮🇩 Palembang, Indonesia and 2 moreSongketᬲᭀᬂᬓᬾᬢ᭄
A hand-woven brocade cloth patterned with gold or silver threads for traditional weddings in Southeast Asia.Attire · Engagement and betrothal
🇳🇬 Lagos, Nigeria and 3 moreAso ebiAsọ-Ẹbí
Matching outfits worn by groups to show solidarity at Yoruba weddings and other ceremoniesAttire · The weeks before
🇿🇦 South AfricaUmemulo
The Zulu coming of age ceremony that marks a woman as ready for marriageRite · The weeks before
🇬🇧 United Kingdom and 1 moreGimmal ring
A betrothal ring with separate hoops that join to form the wedding band.Adornment · Engagement and betrothal
🇮🇳 India and 1 moreMaithil Vivahमैथिल विवाह
The arranged Hindu marriage of Maithils in the Mithila region, guided by Vedic texts and local customs.Betrothal · Finding a match
🇵🇦 PanamaTamborito
A Panamanian courtship dance performed in a circle with drums and female chorusPerformance · The wedding feast
🇮🇳 IndiaSambandam
The traditional matrilineal marriage alliance of Kerala's Nairs and Nambudiris.Betrothal · Finding a match
🇲🇲 MyanmarMarriage in Myanmar
A blend of Buddhist rites, astrological timing, and family negotiations that defines union across Myanmar's diverse ethnRite · Finding a match
🇮🇱 Jerusalem, IsraelTu B'Avט״ו באב
A minor Jewish holiday in Israel that serves as a popular day for weddings and matchmaking.Betrothal · The weeks before
🇯🇵 Tokyo, JapanMizuhiki水引
The knotted paper cord that adorns Japanese wedding gifts and envelopesAdornment · Engagement and betrothal
🇲🇦 Imilchil, MoroccoImilchil Marriage FestivalAgdoud N'Oulmghenni
A Berber marriage festival in Morocco where tribes gather to arrange unions and celebrate with music and dance.Betrothal · Finding a match
🇱🇰 Sri LankaBeena marriage
A pre-Islamic Arabian custom where the husband moves to the wife's home and she keeps her own tent.Betrothal · Engagement and betrothal
🇬🇧 United KingdomQuaichcuach
A shallow two-handled cup used in Scottish weddings to share a drink and symbolise union.Feast custom · The ceremony
🇰🇿 Kazakhstan and 1 moreKazakh wedding ceremonyҮйлену тойы (Üilenu toiy)
The multi-stage Kazakh marriage process featuring the face-revealing feast and the Islamic religious contract.Rite · Engagement and betrothal
🇧🇷 Brazil and 1 moreDia dos Namorados
Brazil's June 12 celebration of romance, held on the eve of Saint Anthony's feast day.Betrothal · The weeks before
🇦🇹 Austria and 4 moreDirndl
The bodice, skirt and apron dress worn by brides in the German-speaking Alps.Attire · The ceremony
🇸🇬 Singapore and 3 moreMatchmaking
The practice of pairing two people for marriage through an intermediary or system.Betrothal · Finding a match
🇹🇭 Thailand and 5 moreBride price
Wealth paid by the groom or his family to the bride or her kin to formalize a union.Gift custom · Engagement and betrothal
🇺🇸 United States and 5 moreMarriage proposal
The moment one partner asks the other to marry them and marks the start of an engagement.Betrothal · Engagement and betrothal
🇮🇳 IndiaSvayamvaraस्वयंवर
The ancient Hindu ceremony where a princess picks her husband from assembled suitorsBetrothal · Finding a match
🇮🇱 Jerusalem, Israel and 3 moreJewish wedding
The ceremony and laws that bind a couple in Jewish marriage, from the canopy to the glass.Rite · Engagement and betrothal
🇰🇬 Kyrgyzstan and 2 moreAla kachuuала качуу
A Kyrgyz custom of taking a woman for marriage, ranging from consensual elopement to forced abduction.Betrothal · Engagement and betrothal
🇮🇪 Ireland and 1 moreHandfastingceangal na lámh (Irish); pòsadh-bliadhna (Scottish Gaelic)
A pledge ceremony where a couple joins hands to make a binding marriage contract or engagement.Rite · Engagement and betrothal
🇮🇳 IndiaChaklong wedding
The traditional Ahom marriage system involving rice powder mandalas and ancestral rituals.Rite · Finding a match
🇮🇱 IsraelErusinאירוסין
The first stage of a Jewish marriage that consecrates the bride to the groom.Betrothal · Engagement and betrothal
🇫🇷 Paris, FranceGlobe de mariée
A glass bell jar used in France to hold the bride's bouquet and preserve family memories.Adornment · The weeks before
🇮🇳 India and 1 moreLeirum Pheeꯂꯩꯔꯨꯝ ꯐꯤ
A traditional Meitei shawl given as a wedding gift from parents to daughtersAttire · Engagement and betrothal
🇮🇳 IndiaGandharva marriageगान्धर्व विवाह (gāndharva vivāha)
A consensual union between a man and a woman without rituals or family involvement.Betrothal · Finding a match
🇮🇱 IsraelKallahYarchei Kallah (Hebrew: ירחי כלה)
A biannual gathering for Torah study and marriage law held by Babylonian Jewish scholars in Adar and Elul.Betrothal · The weeks before
🇮🇳 IndiaTree marriage
A symbolic proxy marriage between a person and a tree to bypass restrictions on remarriageBetrothal · Engagement and betrothal
🇯🇵 JapanMiai見合い (Miai)
A traditional Japanese matchmaking meeting where a man and woman consider marriage with the help of a go-between.Betrothal · Finding a match
Photo credits on this page
The small pictures above come from Wikimedia Commons under free licences. Some are cropped to fit.
- Miai: Unknown author, Public domain, source
- Globe de mariée: Alain Amet, CC BY 4.0, source
- Gandharva marriage: Amitdighe, CC BY-SA 3.0, source
- Marriage in Korea: Jérôme Banal ( Eden2004 ), CC BY-SA 3.0, source
- Quaich: Robin-wood, CC BY-SA 3.0, source
- Shankha: Salil Kumar Mukherjee, CC BY-SA 4.0, source
- Guérewol: Dan Lundberg, CC BY-SA 2.0, source
- Umhlanga: Amada44, Public domain, source
- Marriage in Myanmar: Thant Zin Myint, CC BY-SA 2.0, source
- Mizuhiki: User:FA2010, Public domain, source
- Imilchil Marriage Festival: Zakaria ElQotbi, CC BY 2.0, source
- Kazakh wedding ceremony: jerome taylor, CC BY 2.0, source
- Handfasting: Sander van der Wel, CC BY-SA 2.0, source
- Marriage proposal: Victorgrigas, CC BY-SA 3.0, source
- Bride price: Пимоненко Николай Корнилиевич, Public domain, source
- Kartuli: Mostafameraji, CC BY-SA 4.0, source
- Cueca: Manuel Antonio Caro, Public domain, source
- Tahtib: Yasser Elrasoul, CC BY-SA 4.0, source
- Songket: Rijksmuseum, CC0, source
- Waist beads: Amuzujoe, CC BY-SA 4.0, source
- Maithil Vivah: Sntshkumar750, CC BY-SA 4.0, source
- Chaklong wedding: Chiring chandan, CC BY-SA 4.0, source
- Matchmaking: Pavel Fedotov, Public domain, source
- Gimmal ring: Geni, CC BY-SA 4.0, source
- Oppana: Shagil Kannur, CC BY-SA 4.0, source
- Erusin: LGJMS, CC BY-SA 4.0, source
- Jewish wedding: Jozef Israëls, Public domain, source
- ʻIe tōga: Sarah Kelemen, CC BY 2.0, source
- Baju Kurung: Ministry of Information official photographer, Public domain, source
- Svayamvara: Nandalal Bose, Public domain, source
- Ulos: Boy Lawson, CC BY-SA 3.0, source
- Ala kachuu: Illus. in: Turkestanskii al'bom, chast' étnograficheskaia: ..., 1871-1, Public domain, source
- Aso ebi: SUPREME LACE, CC BY-SA 4.0, source
- Mayoon: katorisi, CC BY-SA 3.0, source
- Dirndl: High Contrast, CC BY 3.0 de, source