Matchmaking, courtship and engagement

How a match is found, asked for and agreed: matchmakers, rings of promise, the first visit.

Before the wedding comes the finding and the asking: a matchmaker consulted, a horoscope compared, a family visit made, a ring or a gift given to seal the promise. Betrothal customs differ more than almost anything else in the wedding, because they depend on who decides: the couple, the parents, or both.

Who chooses

In Japan the omiai was an arranged first meeting with photographs and a go-between, called a nakodo. In India families still use biodata, community matrimonial pages and horoscope matching, and many marriages are arranged with the consent of both sides. In Western countries most couples meet on their own and the proposal is the key moment, often with a ring. In Jewish communities a shadchan may suggest a match, and in parts of the Gulf a mother or aunt might first visit the family on the bride's behalf.

Marking the promise

Betrothal has its own rites. In Punjab the roka and the shagun mark the families' agreement. In Greece the engagement is blessed by a priest and rings are exchanged. In Iran the khastegari is a formal visit in which the groom's family asks for the bride, and tea is served as a signal. In the Ottoman tradition and across Turkey the groom's family visits to ask, and the bride may serve coffee with salt as a test of good humour. Each of these is a stage in which the families get to know each other.

What is changing

Online dating and matrimonial apps have joined older channels. Many families who still arrange marriages now allow months of conversation before a decision. Engagement parties, proposal videos and social media announcements have also spread far beyond the West. At the same time, some communities have moved against engagement customs that pressured the bride's family for gifts.

About this page

Written by the EveryShaadi desk with AI assistance. Background on Matchmaking, courtship and engagement (kind of custom). Customs differ from place to place and family to family. If this is your tradition and we have it wrong, tell us.

🇮🇳 IndiaHindi wedding songs Film and folk music that accompanies the stages of a North Indian Hindu wedding.Performance · Engagement and betrothal 🇨🇳 China and 1 moreGhost marriage冥婚 (mínghūn) A union arranged for deceased individuals to ensure harmony in the afterlife and care in this one.Rite · Finding a match 🇭🇺 HungaryVőfély The Hungarian wedding host who guides the couple through rites, speeches, and traditions.Family role · Finding a match 🇮🇳 IndiaTelugu Hindu weddingతెలుగు వివాహ వేడుక A multi-day Telugu Hindu marriage marked by seven vows around fire and family rituals.Rite · Finding a match 🇲🇷 Mauritania and 5 moreLeblouhالبلوح The forced fattening of girls to improve their marriage prospects, a harmful practiceBetrothal · Finding a match 🇮🇶 Mosul, IraqWedding traditions in Iraq The arranged courtship, religious rites and multi-day celebrations that mark marriage in Iraqi society.Betrothal · Finding a match

🇮🇩 IndonesiaMinangkabau marriage A matrilineal wedding tradition from West Sumatra where the groom moves into the bride's family home.Family role · Engagement and betrothal 🇮🇳 IndiaArabikalyanam A temporary marriage arrangement between Arabian men and women in Kerala that has been linked to exploitation.Gift custom · Engagement and betrothal

🇮🇷 Tehran, Iran and 1 moreIranian weddingمراسم عروسی در ایران A multi-stage ceremony rooted in Zoroastrianism and Islam that binds families through courtship, feasts, and sacred vowsRite · Finding a match

🇸🇿 EswatiniUmtsimbauntsimba A multi-day Swazi wedding procession where the bride joins her husband's family through ritualised stages.Rite · Finding a match 🇨🇦 Canada and 1 moreMarriage à la façon du paysMariage à la façon du pays The common-law unions between European fur traders and Indigenous women that shaped North American history.Betrothal · Engagement and betrothal 🇬🇧 United Kingdom and 1 moreRèiteach A Scottish Gaelic betrothal ceremony where families negotiate marriage terms and celebrate with whisky.Betrothal · Engagement and betrothal

🇷🇺 RussiaRussian wedding traditionsРусская свадьба A multi-day celebration blending Orthodox crowning, ransom games, and lively toasting in Russia.Rite · Engagement and betrothal 🇪🇬 EgyptNikah 'urfiنكاح العرفي An unregistered Islamic contract that allows couples to marry without state recognition or public ceremony.Betrothal · The weeks before 🇵🇰 Pakistan and 4 moreWatta sattaوٹّا سٹّا / شغار A reciprocal marriage arrangement where two families swap brides to bind households and manage domestic tensions.Betrothal · Finding a match

🇮🇳 India and 2 moreArranged marriage in the Indian subcontinent The family-led matchmaking process that shapes most marriages across South Asia.Betrothal · Finding a match

🇯🇵 JapanMiai見合い (Miai) A traditional Japanese matchmaking meeting where a man and woman consider marriage with the help of a go-between.Betrothal · Finding a match

🇫🇷 Paris, FranceGlobe de mariée A glass bell jar used in France to hold the bride's bouquet and preserve family memories.Adornment · The weeks before

🇪🇸 Spain and 2 moreLas arrasLas arras matrimoniales Thirteen coins exchanged by the couple to symbolize provision and trust in a Christian marriage.Rite · The ceremony 🇨🇳 ChinaNaked marriage裸婚 (luǒhūn) A wedding without a house, car, or ring, chosen by couples in China for love and financial necessity.Modern · The weeks before

🇮🇳 IndiaMehndi The henna body art applied to brides and guests before a South Asian wedding ceremony.Adornment · The weeks before

🇰🇬 Kyrgyzstan and 5 moreBride kidnapping The abduction of a woman or girl by a man who wishes to marry her, ranging from consensual elopement to violent coercionBetrothal · Engagement and betrothal

🇨🇳 Beijing, China and 1 moreMarriage market Public spaces where families gather to find spouses for their children through listings and brokers.Betrothal · Finding a match 🇨🇳 China and 5 moreBride buying The exchange of money or goods for a woman to become a wife.Gift custom · Engagement and betrothal

🇮🇳 IndiaBride buying in India The forced purchase of women from impoverished regions for arranged marriages in Northern India.Gift custom · Engagement and betrothal

🇮🇳 IndiaIndian wedding invitationsNimantraṇa patra (निमन्त्रण पत्र) Decorated cards sent to announce a marriage and invite guests to the celebration.Betrothal · The weeks before

🇬🇧 United Kingdom and 1 moreLovespoonLlwy garu A carved wooden spoon given as a romantic gift to show skill and intent.Adornment · Engagement and betrothal 🇮🇳 IndiaTree marriage A symbolic proxy marriage between a person and a tree to bypass restrictions on remarriageBetrothal · Engagement and betrothal

🇮🇳 IndiaGandharva marriageगान्धर्व विवाह (gāndharva vivāha) A consensual union between a man and a woman without rituals or family involvement.Betrothal · Finding a match

🇬🇧 United Kingdom and 5 moreGroomsman A male attendant who supports the groom and assists guests at a wedding.Family role · Finding a match

🇬🇧 United Kingdom and 3 moreBedding ceremony The public ritual of placing the newlyweds in their marital bed to witness and seal the marriage.Rite · The ceremony 🇪🇬 EgyptKhatbaخاطب A traditional Egyptian matchmaker who helps families find suitable marriage partners.Betrothal · Finding a match

🇳🇬 NigeriaYoruba traditional weddingIgbeyawo The multi-day Yoruba marriage ceremony featuring traditional attire, family introductions, and the Eru Iyawo gift list.Attire · Engagement and betrothal

🇱🇹 Lithuania and 1 moreLithuanian wedding songsvestuvinės dainos The polyphonic songs and weeping rituals that mark a Lithuanian bride's transition to her new family.Performance · Engagement and betrothal

🇮🇳 India and 1 moreAiburo Bhaatআইবুড়ো ভাত The final bachelor feast for the bride and groom before their Bengali weddingFeast custom · The weeks before 🇬🇧 United KingdomBlackening A messy pre-wedding prank where friends cover the couple in sticky substances and parade them through town.Play · The weeks before

🇬🇧 United Kingdom and 1 moreWedding breakfast The post-ceremony feast served to the couple and their guests in British English usage.Feast custom · The ceremony

🇿🇦 South AfricaUkuthwalwa A South African practice of abducting a woman for marriage, now largely illegal and contested.Betrothal · Finding a match 🇮🇳 IndiaZoroastrian wedding A Zoroastrian marriage ceremony featuring hand-fastening, rice sprinkling, and shared meals.Rite · Engagement and betrothal

🇨🇳 Shanghai, ChinaShanghai Marriage Market人民公园相亲角 (Rénmín Gōngyuán Xiāngqīn Jiǎo) Parents pin written profiles of their unmarried children to strings in a Shanghai parkBetrothal · Finding a match

🇹🇼 Taipei, TaiwanSame-sex marriage in Taiwan The legal recognition of same-sex unions in Taiwan, the first in Asia.Modern · Engagement and betrothal

🇿🇦 South Africa and 1 moreLobololobola (Zulu, Xhosa, Swazi, Ndebele), mahadi (Sesotho), mahari (Swahili), magadi (Sepedi), bogadi (Setswana), lovola (Xi The livestock or cash payment from a groom's family to a bride's family that formalizes a customary marriage in SouthernGift custom · Finding a match

🇫🇷 France and 1 moreAcrostic ring A jewelled band where gemstone initials spell a secret romantic wordAdornment · Engagement and betrothal 🇮🇹 Sicily, ItalyFuitina A Sicilian elopement custom used to force family consent for marriage through presumed sexual intercourse.Betrothal · The weeks before

🇬🇷 Greece and 2 moreEngagement party A gathering to announce a new engagement and introduce the two families before the wedding.Betrothal · Engagement and betrothal 🇧🇳 BruneiBrunei Malay wedding The sequence of ceremonies that mark the engagement and marriage of Brunei Malays.Rite · Finding a match

🇮🇳 IndiaIndian wedding clothes Traditional garments worn by Indian couples and guests across multiple days of celebrationAttire · The weeks before

🇻🇳 VietnamTraditional Vietnamese weddingLễ cưới truyền thống Việt Nam The multi-stage ceremony of betrothal, engagement and union that marks a marriage in Vietnam.Attire · Finding a match

Photo credits on this page

The small pictures above come from Wikimedia Commons under free licences. Some are cropped to fit.

Minangkabau marriage: Mamasamala, CC BY-SA 3.0, source
Iranian wedding: Flickr.com user "avlxyz", CC BY-SA 2.0, source
Umtsimba: Cat7624, CC0, source
Russian wedding traditions: GeorgeLouis, CC BY-SA 3.0, source
Arranged marriage in the Indian subcontinent: Hindustanilanguage, CC BY-SA 3.0, source
Miai: Unknown author, Public domain, source
Globe de mariée: Alain Amet, CC BY 4.0, source
Las arras: penny, CC BY 2.0, source
Mehndi: AKS.9955, CC BY-SA 4.0, source
Bride kidnapping: Julius Schnorr von Carolsfeld, Public domain, source
Marriage market: Tim Sheerman-Chase, CC BY 2.0, source
Bride buying in India: Jorge Royan, CC BY-SA 3.0, source
Indian wedding invitations: Onef9day, CC BY 3.0, source
Lovespoon: Btinsley785, CC BY-SA 4.0, source
Gandharva marriage: Amitdighe, CC BY-SA 3.0, source
Groomsman: Jenny Mealing, CC BY 2.0, source
Bedding ceremony: Isaac Cruikshank, Public domain, source
Yoruba traditional wedding: Fhadekhemmy, CC BY-SA 4.0, source
Lithuanian wedding songs: Gailė Paštukaitė, CC BY-SA 3.0, source
Aiburo Bhaat: Ranganm2021, CC BY-SA 4.0, source
Wedding breakfast: Arpingstone, Public domain, source
Ukuthwalwa: Federal Bureau of Investigation, Public domain, source
Shanghai Marriage Market: Jpbowen, CC BY-SA 4.0, source
Same-sex marriage in Taiwan: Guy of taipei, CC BY-SA 3.0, source
Lobolo: Iwuala Lucy, CC BY-SA 4.0, source
Acrostic ring: Jlblackmore, CC BY-SA 4.0, source
Engagement party: Melissa Gupta, CC BY-SA 2.0, source
Indian wedding clothes: Lee Jordan, CC BY-SA 2.0, source
Traditional Vietnamese wedding: Gabrielle M. Vassal, Public domain, source