Matchmaking, courtship and engagement
How a match is found, asked for and agreed: matchmakers, rings of promise, the first visit.
Before the wedding comes the finding and the asking: a matchmaker consulted, a horoscope compared, a family visit made, a ring or a gift given to seal the promise. Betrothal customs differ more than almost anything else in the wedding, because they depend on who decides: the couple, the parents, or both.
Who chooses
In Japan the omiai was an arranged first meeting with photographs and a go-between, called a nakodo. In India families still use biodata, community matrimonial pages and horoscope matching, and many marriages are arranged with the consent of both sides. In Western countries most couples meet on their own and the proposal is the key moment, often with a ring. In Jewish communities a shadchan may suggest a match, and in parts of the Gulf a mother or aunt might first visit the family on the bride's behalf.
Marking the promise
Betrothal has its own rites. In Punjab the roka and the shagun mark the families' agreement. In Greece the engagement is blessed by a priest and rings are exchanged. In Iran the khastegari is a formal visit in which the groom's family asks for the bride, and tea is served as a signal. In the Ottoman tradition and across Turkey the groom's family visits to ask, and the bride may serve coffee with salt as a test of good humour. Each of these is a stage in which the families get to know each other.
What is changing
Online dating and matrimonial apps have joined older channels. Many families who still arrange marriages now allow months of conversation before a decision. Engagement parties, proposal videos and social media announcements have also spread far beyond the West. At the same time, some communities have moved against engagement customs that pressured the bride's family for gifts.
About this page
Written by the EveryShaadi desk with AI assistance. Background on Matchmaking, courtship and engagement (kind of custom). Customs differ from place to place and family to family. If this is your tradition and we have it wrong, tell us.
🇨🇳 Beijing, China and 1 moreMarriage market
Public spaces where families gather to find spouses for their children through listings and brokers.Betrothal · Finding a match
🇿🇦 South AfricaUkuthwalwa
A South African practice of abducting a woman for marriage, now largely illegal and contested.Betrothal · Finding a match
🇮🇳 IndiaTelugu Hindu weddingతెలుగు వివాహ వేడుక
A multi-day Telugu Hindu marriage marked by seven vows around fire and family rituals.Rite · Finding a match
🇹🇱 Dili, Timor-Leste and 1 moreTimorese wedding traditionsBarlake
The gift exchange and family alliance rituals practiced on the island of Timor.Gift custom · Finding a match
🇬🇷 Greece and 2 moreEngagement party
A gathering to announce a new engagement and introduce the two families before the wedding.Betrothal · Engagement and betrothal
🇬🇧 United KingdomKnobstick wedding
A forced marriage arranged by local authorities to shift the cost of a child onto the presumed father.Betrothal · Engagement and betrothal
🇮🇳 India and 1 moreAiburo Bhaatআইবুড়ো ভাত
The final bachelor feast for the bride and groom before their Bengali weddingFeast custom · The weeks before
🇨🇳 ChinaNaked marriage裸婚 (luǒhūn)
A wedding without a house, car, or ring, chosen by couples in China for love and financial necessity.Modern · The weeks before
🇬🇧 United KingdomBlackening
A messy pre-wedding prank where friends cover the couple in sticky substances and parade them through town.Play · The weeks before
🇰🇪 KenyaKoito
A Kalenjin dowry negotiation ritual that marks the formal agreement between families.Gift custom · Engagement and betrothal
🇫🇷 France and 1 moreAcrostic ring
A jewelled band where gemstone initials spell a secret romantic wordAdornment · Engagement and betrothal
🇮🇳 India and 2 moreMangalsutraमङ्गलसूत्रम् (maṅgalasūtram)
The sacred necklace tied around the bride's neck to mark her marriage.Adornment · The ceremony
🇮🇳 IndiaSakharpuda
The Maharashtrian engagement rite where sugar and coconuts seal a verbal promise between families.Betrothal · Engagement and betrothal
🇨🇳 China and 4 moreChinese wedding door games堵门游戏 (dǔmén yóuxì)
Challenges set by bridesmaids for the groom at the bride's home to prove his devotion.Play · Engagement and betrothal
🇦🇿 AzerbaijanAzerbaijani wedding traditionsAzərbaycanın toy adətləri
The multi-step family rituals of Azerbaijani weddings, from matchmaking to the henna night.Rite · Finding a match
🇬🇧 United Kingdom and 1 moreWedding breakfast
The post-ceremony feast served to the couple and their guests in British English usage.Feast custom · The ceremony
🇮🇳 IndiaHindi wedding songs
Film and folk music that accompanies the stages of a North Indian Hindu wedding.Performance · Engagement and betrothal
🇺🇸 United StatesRehearsal dinner
A pre-wedding meal held after the final practice to thank the wedding partyFeast custom · The weeks before
🇪🇸 Spain and 2 moreLas arrasLas arras matrimoniales
Thirteen coins exchanged by the couple to symbolize provision and trust in a Christian marriage.Rite · The ceremony
🇳🇬 Nigeria and 1 moreHausa traditional marriage
The Islamic marriage rites of the Hausa people in Northern Nigeria and Niger.Rite · Finding a match
🇮🇷 Tehran, Iran and 1 moreIranian weddingمراسم عروسی در ایران
A multi-stage ceremony rooted in Zoroastrianism and Islam that binds families through courtship, feasts, and sacred vowsRite · Finding a match
🇨🇳 Shanghai, ChinaShanghai Marriage Market人民公园相亲角 (Rénmín Gōngyuán Xiāngqīn Jiǎo)
Parents pin written profiles of their unmarried children to strings in a Shanghai parkBetrothal · Finding a match
🇬🇧 United Kingdom and 5 moreGroomsman
A male attendant who supports the groom and assists guests at a wedding.Family role · Finding a match
🇭🇺 HungaryVőfély
The Hungarian wedding host who guides the couple through rites, speeches, and traditions.Family role · Finding a match
🇲🇷 Mauritania and 5 moreLeblouhالبلوح
The forced fattening of girls to improve their marriage prospects, a harmful practiceBetrothal · Finding a match
🇮🇶 Mosul, IraqWedding traditions in Iraq
The arranged courtship, religious rites and multi-day celebrations that mark marriage in Iraqi society.Betrothal · Finding a match
🇳🇬 NigeriaMoney marriage
A practice in southern Nigeria where a girl is given in marriage to settle her family's debts.Gift custom · Finding a match
🇸🇾 Syria and 3 moreAssyrian wedding
Marriage ceremonies blending ancient Assyrian rites with modern cultural practices among the Assyrian people.Rite · Finding a match
🇮🇩 IndonesiaNgerorod
A traditional Balinese Hindu elopement where couples marry by mutual consent despite family opposition.Betrothal · Finding a match
🇨🇳 ChinaTraditional Chinese marriage婚姻 (hūnyīn)
A union between two families governed by Confucian rites and the exchange of gifts.Rite · Finding a match
🇮🇱 Israel and 1 moreBaháʼí marriage
A spiritual union requiring parental consent and a specific vow to establish harmony between partners.Rite · Finding a match
🇵🇪 Peru and 4 moreBride service
Labor provided by the groom to the bride's family as part of the marriage arrangement.Gift custom · Finding a match
🇳🇬 NigeriaIgbo traditional marriageIgba Nkwu
The multi-stage Igbo marriage process that formalizes a union through family negotiations and the wine-carrying ceremonyRite · Finding a match
🇿🇦 South Africa and 1 moreLobololobola (Zulu, Xhosa, Swazi, Ndebele), mahadi (Sesotho), mahari (Swahili), magadi (Sepedi), bogadi (Setswana), lovola (Xi
The livestock or cash payment from a groom's family to a bride's family that formalizes a customary marriage in SouthernGift custom · Finding a match
🇵🇬 Papua New Guinea and 5 moreSister exchange
A marriage arrangement where two brothers each take a sister from the other family as their wife.Betrothal · Finding a match
🇷🇺 RussiaRussian wedding traditionsРусская свадьба
A multi-day celebration blending Orthodox crowning, ransom games, and lively toasting in Russia.Rite · Engagement and betrothal
🇬🇧 United Kingdom and 1 moreRèiteach
A Scottish Gaelic betrothal ceremony where families negotiate marriage terms and celebrate with whisky.Betrothal · Engagement and betrothal
🇮🇳 IndiaArabikalyanam
A temporary marriage arrangement between Arabian men and women in Kerala that has been linked to exploitation.Gift custom · Engagement and betrothal
🇨🇳 China and 5 morePosthumous marriageminghun
A union performed when one or both partners have died, kept in parts of Asia and permitted by law in a few nations.Betrothal · After the wedding
🇮🇳 Delhi, India and 4 moreSindoorसिंदूर (Hindi)
The vermilion powder a Hindu husband applies to his wife's hair parting to mark her marriage.Adornment · Engagement and betrothal
🇮🇪 Ireland and 3 moreBachelor's Day
The custom that lets women propose to men on Leap DayBetrothal · Engagement and betrothal
🇮🇱 Israel and 5 moreLevirate marriage
A custom where a man marries his deceased brother's widow to protect her and keep the family line intact.Betrothal · After the wedding
🇮🇳 India and 1 moreKanyadanaकन्यादान (Kanyādāna)
The Hindu rite where a father gives his daughter in marriage to the groom.Rite · The ceremony
🇮🇳 IndiaDaiva marriageदैवविवाह (Daivavivāha)
An ancient Hindu rite where a daughter is given to the priest who officiates her father's sacrifice.Vow · Engagement and betrothal
🇿🇦 Cape Town, South AfricaSame-sex marriage in South Africa
The legal recognition of same-sex unions established by the Civil Union Act of 2006.Modern · The ceremony
🇬🇧 United Kingdom and 5 moreRing fingerdigitus annularis
The fourth digit of the hand where wedding and engagement rings are traditionally worn.Attire · The ceremony
🇩🇪 Germany and 5 moreMorganatic marriageEhe zur linken Hand
A union between people of unequal rank that bars the spouse and children from inheriting titles or throne rights.Vow · Engagement and betrothal
🇧🇹 Bhutan and 5 moreSororate marriage
A practice where a man marries his late or infertile wife's sister to keep family ties strong.Family role · After the wedding
Photo credits on this page
The small pictures above come from Wikimedia Commons under free licences. Some are cropped to fit.
- Recognition of same-sex unions in South Korea: Nerd271, CC BY-SA 4.0, source
- Kanyadana: ArpitaRai, CC BY-SA 4.0, source
- Ring finger: RAPMOODDE, CC BY-SA 4.0, source
- Morganatic marriage: Sergei Lvovich Levitsky (1819 – 1898) and Rafail Sergeevich Levitsky (, Public domain, source
- Chinese wedding door games: elfgoh, CC BY-SA 2.0, source
- Azerbaijani wedding traditions: Azim Azimzadeh, Public domain, source
- Wedding breakfast: Arpingstone, Public domain, source
- Las arras: penny, CC BY 2.0, source
- Hausa traditional marriage: Bembety, CC0, source
- Shanghai Marriage Market: Jpbowen, CC BY-SA 4.0, source
- Iranian wedding: Flickr.com user "avlxyz", CC BY-SA 2.0, source
- Groomsman: Jenny Mealing, CC BY 2.0, source
- Assyrian wedding: Yucalyptus, CC0, source
- Traditional Chinese marriage: Unknown author, Public domain, source
- Lobolo: Iwuala Lucy, CC BY-SA 4.0, source
- Igbo traditional marriage: Olugold, CC BY-SA 4.0, source
- Sister exchange: Wilses, CC BY-SA 4.0, source
- Russian wedding traditions: GeorgeLouis, CC BY-SA 3.0, source
- Sindoor: Masum-al-hasan, CC BY-SA 3.0, source
- Acrostic ring: Jlblackmore, CC BY-SA 4.0, source
- Marriage market: Tim Sheerman-Chase, CC BY 2.0, source
- Ukuthwalwa: Federal Bureau of Investigation, Public domain, source
- Timorese wedding traditions: ColinTrainor, CC BY-SA 4.0, source
- Engagement party: Melissa Gupta, CC BY-SA 2.0, source
- Aiburo Bhaat: Ranganm2021, CC BY-SA 4.0, source
- Mangalsutra: Ackroydman, CC BY-SA 3.0, source