Matchmaking, courtship and engagement
How a match is found, asked for and agreed: matchmakers, rings of promise, the first visit.
Before the wedding comes the finding and the asking: a matchmaker consulted, a horoscope compared, a family visit made, a ring or a gift given to seal the promise. Betrothal customs differ more than almost anything else in the wedding, because they depend on who decides: the couple, the parents, or both.
Who chooses
In Japan the omiai was an arranged first meeting with photographs and a go-between, called a nakodo. In India families still use biodata, community matrimonial pages and horoscope matching, and many marriages are arranged with the consent of both sides. In Western countries most couples meet on their own and the proposal is the key moment, often with a ring. In Jewish communities a shadchan may suggest a match, and in parts of the Gulf a mother or aunt might first visit the family on the bride's behalf.
Marking the promise
Betrothal has its own rites. In Punjab the roka and the shagun mark the families' agreement. In Greece the engagement is blessed by a priest and rings are exchanged. In Iran the khastegari is a formal visit in which the groom's family asks for the bride, and tea is served as a signal. In the Ottoman tradition and across Turkey the groom's family visits to ask, and the bride may serve coffee with salt as a test of good humour. Each of these is a stage in which the families get to know each other.
What is changing
Online dating and matrimonial apps have joined older channels. Many families who still arrange marriages now allow months of conversation before a decision. Engagement parties, proposal videos and social media announcements have also spread far beyond the West. At the same time, some communities have moved against engagement customs that pressured the bride's family for gifts.
Written by the EveryShaadi desk with AI assistance. Background on Matchmaking, courtship and engagement (kind of custom). Customs differ from place to place and family to family. If this is your tradition and we have it wrong, tell us.
🇰🇪 Kenya and 1 moreAyie
The Luo bride price ceremony where the mother accepts payment and agrees to the marriage.Gift custom · Engagement and betrothal
🇫🇷 France and 1 moreAcrostic ring
A jewelled band where gemstone initials spell a secret romantic word.Adornment · Engagement and betrothal
🇩🇪 GermanyWedding Quodlibet
A lighthearted musical piece by J.S. Bach performed at weddings in early 18th-century Germany.Performance · Engagement and betrothal
🇨🇳 Beijing, China and 4 moreHeqin和親 (Héqīn)
A historical Chinese policy of uniting imperial families with neighboring rulers to secure peace.Betrothal · Engagement and betrothal
🇬🇷 Greece and 2 moreAdelphopoiesis
A historical Eastern Christian ceremony uniting two people of the same sex in a recognized spiritual bond.Betrothal · Engagement and betrothal
🇺🇦 Ukraine and 7 moreVechornytsiвечорниці
A Ukrainian courtship gathering where young people meet, dance and practice matchmaking rituals before the wedding seasoBetrothal · The weeks before
🇬🇷 Athens, GreeceSame-sex marriage in GreeceΟμοφυλοφιλικός γάμος (Omofylofilikos gamos)
The legal recognition of marriage between two people of the same sex, effective since February 2024.Vow · Engagement and betrothal
🇰🇿 Kazakhstan and 2 moreKimeshekкимешек (Kazakh/Karakalpak), элечек (Kyrgyz)
The traditional white headgear worn by married women with children in Central AsiaAttire · After the wedding
🇮🇷 Iran and 3 moreXwedodahxwidōdāh
A Zoroastrian rite of close-kin marriage rooted in ancient cosmology and royal tradition.Betrothal · Engagement and betrothal
🇮🇪 Dublin, IrelandSchulze Registers
The surviving records of secret marriages performed by a Lutheran minister in 19th century Dublin.Vow · The ceremony
🇮🇹 Rome, Italy and 1 moreContubernium
A recognized union between slaves or a slave and a free person in ancient RomeBetrothal · After the wedding
🇫🇷 France and 4 moreMore danicodansk skik
A Medieval Scandinavian marriage custom allowing polygyny and secular unions outside church control.Betrothal · Engagement and betrothal
🇸🇦 Saudi Arabia and 5 moreCousin marriage in the Middle East
A traditional practice of marrying close relatives, especially paternal cousins, across Middle Eastern communities.Betrothal · Finding a match
🇯🇵 Japan and 4 morePicture brideNakōdo (仲人) matchmaking; Jungmae gyeolhon (결혼) process
Early twentieth century marriages arranged through photographs between Asian immigrant men and women in Hawaii and the UBetrothal · Finding a match
🇵🇭 Cebu, PhilippinesCourtship in the Philippines
A traditional Filipino courtship marked by serenade, service, and family involvement.Betrothal · Finding a match
🇬🇭 GhanaPolygamy in Ghana
A practice where a man has multiple wives, recognized under customary law but illegal under civil statutes.Family role · Engagement and betrothal
🇲🇲 Myanmar and 1 moreMayu-Dama
The Kachin kinship system that defines who can marry whom through wife-giver and wife-taker rolesBetrothal · Finding a match
🇮🇱 IsraelIsha katlanitאישה קטלנית
A Jewish legal concept regarding a widow who has lost two husbands and the risks associated with her remarrying.Vow · Engagement and betrothal
🇨🇳 China and 1 moreTongyangxi童養媳 (tóngyǎngxí); Hokkien: 媳婦仔 (sim-pū-á)
An adopted girl raised beside a son so a poor family could be sure he would have a wifeBetrothal · Engagement and betrothal
🇦🇺 Australia and 5 moreCelebrancy
A profession of secular officiants who create personalised life ceremonies for people outside traditional religious or sModern · The weeks before
🇪🇸 A Coruña, Spain and 2 moreFirst same-sex marriage in Spain
The 1901 union of two women in Galicia that preceded legal recognition by over a centuryModern · The ceremony
🇳🇵 NepalSherpa marriage
The astrological matching and barley beer offering that binds a Sherpa couple.Betrothal · Finding a match
🇺🇸 United States and 2 moreSame-sex marriage and Judaism
How different branches of Judaism handle the union of two people of the same sex.Modern · The ceremony
🇵🇬 Papua New Guinea and 5 moreSister exchange
A marriage arrangement where two brothers each marry a sister from the other family.Betrothal · Finding a match
Photo credits on this page
The small pictures above come from Wikimedia Commons under free licences. Some are cropped to fit.
- Courtship in the Philippines: Markytour777, CC BY-SA 4.0, source
- Same-sex marriage in Greece: Mzimu, CC BY-SA 3.0, source
- Xwedodah: Dageoa, CC BY-SA 4.0, source
- Sherpa marriage: Dirk Pons, CC BY-SA 3.0, source
- Tongyangxi: Unknown photographer, Public domain, source
- First same-sex marriage in Spain: Jglamela, CC BY-SA 4.0, source
- More danico: Edward Burne-Jones, Public domain, source
- Contubernium: Mark Landon, CC BY 4.0, source
- Kimeshek: https://www.flickr.com/photos/kjfnjy/, CC BY 2.0, source
- Heqin: पाटलिपुत्र, CC BY-SA 4.0, source
- Wedding Quodlibet: Aschroet, CC0, source
- Sister exchange: Wilses, CC BY-SA 4.0, source
- Vechornytsi: Гейслер, Кристиан Готфрид Генрих, Public domain, source
- Ayie: SteveRwanda, CC BY-SA 3.0, source
- Acrostic ring: Jlblackmore, CC BY-SA 4.0, source
- Same-sex marriage and Judaism: Ed and Eddie, CC BY-SA 2.0, source