Engagement and betrothal

The asking, the first gifts, the ring, the agreed date and the exchange between families.

Betrothal turns a possibility into a promise. The families agree, gifts are exchanged, a date is set and a ring or a token is given. In many places the engagement is nearly as important as the wedding itself, and in some it is the legally binding step.

The asking and the agreement

In Punjab the roka seals the match and is followed by a ceremony of gifts. In Iran the groom's family visits for the khastegari, then a sweet-eating ceremony called shirini khoran. In Greece the engagement may be blessed in church with rings on the right hand. In Ethiopia and Eritrea elders from both sides negotiate through a formal speech, and in southern Africa the lobola talks are held between the two families through representatives.

Rings and tokens

The engagement ring became widespread in the West after the diamond marketing of the twentieth century. Earlier tokens included a coin, a ring or a thimble. In Scandinavia both partners may wear plain engagement bands, in Germany rings are worn on the left hand during engagement and switched to the right after the wedding. In India the ring is often exchanged in a ceremony called sagai or mangni.

What is changing

Couples now propose to each other, announce online, and hold joint engagement parties. Some communities have shortened the engagement or merged it with the wedding to save cost. Where betrothal once bound families legally, it is now generally a social promise only, and breaking it carries less penalty than in the past.

About this page

Written by the EveryShaadi desk with AI assistance. Background on Engagement and betrothal (stage of the wedding). Customs differ from place to place and family to family. If this is your tradition and we have it wrong, tell us.

🇬🇷 Greece and 2 moreAdelphopoiesis A historical Eastern Christian ceremony uniting two people of the same sex in a recognized spiritual bond.Betrothal · Engagement and betrothal

🇺🇸 United States and 2 moreSame-sex marriage and Judaism How different branches of Judaism handle the union of two people of the same sex.Modern · The ceremony 🇬🇭 GhanaPolygamy in Ghana A practice where a man has multiple wives, recognized under customary law but illegal under civil statutes.Family role · Engagement and betrothal

🇵🇭 Cebu, PhilippinesCourtship in the Philippines A traditional Filipino courtship marked by serenade, service, and family involvement.Betrothal · Finding a match 🇮🇳 Sasaula, IndiaSasaula Sabha Gachhiससौला सभा गाछी A historic gathering spot where Maithil Brahmin families matchmake and record marriages.Betrothal · Finding a match

🇮🇷 Iran and 3 moreXwedodahxwidōdāh A Zoroastrian rite of close-kin marriage rooted in ancient cosmology and royal tradition.Betrothal · Engagement and betrothal

🇨🇳 China and 1 moreTongyangxi童養媳 (tóngyǎngxí); Hokkien: 媳婦仔 (sim-pū-á) An adopted girl raised beside a son so a poor family could be sure he would have a wifeBetrothal · Engagement and betrothal

🇮🇳 Saurath, India and 2 moreSaurath Sabha The annual Maithil Brahmin gathering in Bihar for arranged marriages based on lineage records.Betrothal · Finding a match

🇬🇷 Athens, GreeceSame-sex marriage in GreeceΟμοφυλοφιλικός γάμος (Omofylofilikos gamos) The legal recognition of marriage between two people of the same sex, effective since February 2024.Vow · Engagement and betrothal 🇳🇬 Nigeria and 1 moreSurrogate marriage A woman marries another woman to bear children for her lineage when she cannot have them herself.Betrothal · Finding a match 🇲🇲 Myanmar and 1 moreMayu-Dama The Kachin kinship system that defines who can marry whom through wife-giver and wife-taker rolesBetrothal · Finding a match 🇮🇳 IndiaMangala Dosha A Hindu astrological belief that Mars in a birth chart affects marriage compatibility and outcomes.Betrothal · Engagement and betrothal 🇮🇳 Mysore, IndiaMysore Kalyanam A fraudulent marriage scheme targeting women from Kerala for dowry moneyGift custom · Engagement and betrothal

🇫🇷 France and 4 moreMore danicodansk skik A Medieval Scandinavian marriage custom allowing polygyny and secular unions outside church control.Betrothal · Engagement and betrothal

🇳🇵 NepalSherpa marriage The astrological matching and barley beer offering that binds a Sherpa couple.Betrothal · Finding a match 🇸🇦 Saudi Arabia and 5 moreCousin marriage in the Middle East A traditional practice of marrying close relatives, especially paternal cousins, across Middle Eastern communities.Betrothal · Finding a match 🇯🇵 Japan and 4 morePicture brideNakōdo (仲人) matchmaking; Jungmae gyeolhon (결혼) process Early twentieth century marriages arranged through photographs between Asian immigrant men and women in Hawaii and the UBetrothal · Finding a match 🇮🇱 IsraelIsha katlanitאישה קטלנית A Jewish legal concept regarding a widow who has lost two husbands and the risks associated with her remarrying.Vow · Engagement and betrothal

🇵🇬 Papua New Guinea and 5 moreSister exchange A marriage arrangement where two brothers each marry a sister from the other family.Betrothal · Finding a match 🇽🇰 Kosovo and 2 morePodruga A second wife brought into the home to bear children when the first marriage is childless.Family role · Engagement and betrothal

🇷🇴 Romania and 5 moreKlezmerקלעזמער The instrumental dance music played by Ashkenazi Jewish musicians at weddings in Eastern Europe and beyondPerformance · Engagement and betrothal

🇺🇬 UgandaOkeme A lively Lango folk dance performed at weddings to bring the community together.Performance · Engagement and betrothal

🇷🇴 Romania and 5 moreKlezmerקלעזמער The instrumental wedding music of Ashkenazi Jews, blending Eastern European and Jewish ritual melodies.Performance · Engagement and betrothal

🇦🇿 Azerbaijan and 1 moreKelaghayiKəlağayı A traditional silk headscarf exchanged as a marriage proposal and worn at henna parties in Azerbaijan and Armenia.Attire · Engagement and betrothal 🇺🇬 UgandaGaze A traditional dance of the Lugbara people in Northern Uganda performed at weddings and festivalsPerformance · Engagement and betrothal 🇲🇺 Mauritius and 1 moreGeet-Gawai𑂏𑂲𑂞 𑂏𑂫𑂰𑂆 (Bhojpuri) A pre-wedding ritual of Bhojpuri-speaking people in Mauritius featuring songs and dance.Performance · Engagement and betrothal 🇺🇬 UgandaNaleyo A courtship dance of the Karamojong people where men and women jump facing each other to find partners.Performance · Engagement and betrothal

🇯🇵 Kyoto, Japan and 5 moreTeeth blackeningohaguro A traditional practice of dyeing teeth black to signal adulthood and beauty in parts of Asia and Oceania.Adornment · Engagement and betrothal

🇵🇭 Quezon City, PhilippinesBinukot A Visayan custom of secluding young noblewomen to preserve their purity and elevate their marriage value.Betrothal · The weeks before

🇳🇱 NetherlandsPoffer The elaborate white headdress worn by married women in the Netherlands to mark their status.Attire · Engagement and betrothal

🇮🇩 Indonesia and 4 morePantunڤنتون A Malayic oral poetry form used in wedding greetings and daily communication to express ideas through rhyme.Performance · Engagement and betrothal

🇵🇭 Cebu, PhilippinesHarana A traditional Filipino courtship serenade where a suitor sings beneath a woman's window at night.Betrothal · Finding a match

🇨🇳 China and 1 moreXiapei霞帔 The embroidered scarf or waistcoat that marks a woman's status in Chinese and Korean weddingsAttire · Engagement and betrothal 🇰🇷 South KoreaChaesang채상 (Chaesang) Woven bamboo boxes used to store dowry items in traditional Korean weddingsGift custom · Engagement and betrothal

🇮🇳 India and 5 morePolyandry A marriage structure where one woman is wed to multiple men simultaneously or in sequence.Betrothal · Engagement and betrothal

🇩🇰 Denmark and 5 moreWidow conservationÄnkekonservering A Protestant custom where a new vicar married his predecessor's widow to secure her support.Betrothal · Engagement and betrothal

🇵🇰 Pakistan and 5 moreCousin marriage A union between people who share a grandparent or recent ancestor, practiced in many regions and communities.Vow · Finding a match

Photo credits on this page

The small pictures above come from Wikimedia Commons under free licences. Some are cropped to fit.

Kelaghayi: Urmen19, CC BY-SA 4.0, source
Same-sex marriage in Greece: Mzimu, CC BY-SA 3.0, source
Xwedodah: Dageoa, CC BY-SA 4.0, source
Harana: Markytour777, CC BY-SA 4.0, source
Xiapei: Unknown author, Public domain, source
Pantun: Nurmalinda Maharfar, CC BY-SA 4.0, source
Sherpa marriage: Dirk Pons, CC BY-SA 3.0, source
Poffer: Unknown author, Public domain, source
Tongyangxi: Unknown photographer, Public domain, source
Polyandry in India: Raja Ravi Varma, Public domain, source
Klezmer: Syrena Records (Warsaw), Public domain, source
More danico: Edward Burne-Jones, Public domain, source
Saurath Sabha: Saurath Sabha, CC BY-SA 4.0, source
Okeme: Emma Oruk, CC BY-SA 4.0, source
Same-sex marriage and Judaism: Ed and Eddie, CC BY-SA 2.0, source
Widow conservation: Keith Ruffles, CC BY 3.0, source
Courtship in the Philippines: Markytour777, CC BY-SA 4.0, source
Sister exchange: Wilses, CC BY-SA 4.0, source
Teeth blackening: momo, CC BY 2.0, source
Binukot: Francisco Ignacio Alcina, Public domain, source
Klezmer: Unknown artist identified as "M.D.", Public domain, source
Cousin marriage: 綾絲, CC BY-SA 4.0, source