Engagement and betrothal

The asking, the first gifts, the ring, the agreed date and the exchange between families.

Betrothal turns a possibility into a promise. The families agree, gifts are exchanged, a date is set and a ring or a token is given. In many places the engagement is nearly as important as the wedding itself, and in some it is the legally binding step.

The asking and the agreement

In Punjab the roka seals the match and is followed by a ceremony of gifts. In Iran the groom's family visits for the khastegari, then a sweet-eating ceremony called shirini khoran. In Greece the engagement may be blessed in church with rings on the right hand. In Ethiopia and Eritrea elders from both sides negotiate through a formal speech, and in southern Africa the lobola talks are held between the two families through representatives.

Rings and tokens

The engagement ring became widespread in the West after the diamond marketing of the twentieth century. Earlier tokens included a coin, a ring or a thimble. In Scandinavia both partners may wear plain engagement bands, in Germany rings are worn on the left hand during engagement and switched to the right after the wedding. In India the ring is often exchanged in a ceremony called sagai or mangni.

What is changing

Couples now propose to each other, announce online, and hold joint engagement parties. Some communities have shortened the engagement or merged it with the wedding to save cost. Where betrothal once bound families legally, it is now generally a social promise only, and breaking it carries less penalty than in the past.

About this page

Written by the EveryShaadi desk with AI assistance. Background on Engagement and betrothal (stage of the wedding). Customs differ from place to place and family to family. If this is your tradition and we have it wrong, tell us.

🇮🇶 Iraq and 1 moreInterdenominational marriage A wedding between two people of different denominations within the same religion.Vow · Engagement and betrothal

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🇮🇳 Saurath, India and 2 moreSaurath Sabha The annual Maithil Brahmin gathering in Bihar for arranged marriages based on lineage records.Betrothal · Finding a match

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🇵🇭 Quezon City, PhilippinesBinukot A Visayan custom of secluding young noblewomen to preserve their purity and elevate their marriage value.Betrothal · The weeks before

🇮🇩 Indonesia and 4 morePantunڤنتون A Malayic oral poetry form used in wedding greetings and daily communication to express ideas through rhyme.Performance · Engagement and betrothal 🇲🇺 Mauritius and 1 moreGeet-Gawai𑂏𑂲𑂞 𑂏𑂫𑂰𑂆 (Bhojpuri) A pre-wedding ritual of Bhojpuri-speaking people in Mauritius featuring songs and dance.Performance · Engagement and betrothal 🇽🇰 Kosovo and 2 morePodruga A second wife brought into the home to bear children when the first marriage is childless.Family role · Engagement and betrothal

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🇩🇰 Denmark and 5 moreWidow conservationÄnkekonservering A Protestant custom where a new vicar married his predecessor's widow to secure her support.Betrothal · Engagement and betrothal

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Photo credits on this page

The small pictures above come from Wikimedia Commons under free licences. Some are cropped to fit.

Pantun: Nurmalinda Maharfar, CC BY-SA 4.0, source
Sherpa marriage: Dirk Pons, CC BY-SA 3.0, source
Interfaith marriage in Christianity: Andreas Praefcke, CC BY 3.0, source
Tongyangxi: Unknown photographer, Public domain, source
Polyandry in India: Raja Ravi Varma, Public domain, source
Saurath Sabha: Saurath Sabha, CC BY-SA 4.0, source
Lavender marriage: Katharine Cornell and the Playwrights' Company; Vandamm Studio, photog, Public domain, source
Herem of Rabbeinu Gershom: Nixnubix, CC BY-SA 4.0, source
Inter-caste marriage in Nepal: Sajan Pundit, CC BY-SA 4.0, source
Widow conservation: Keith Ruffles, CC BY 3.0, source
Courtship in the Philippines: Markytour777, CC BY-SA 4.0, source
Same-sex marriage in Brazil: Fabio Pozzebom/ABr, CC BY 3.0 br, source
Same-sex marriage: Stefano Bolognini, CC BY-SA 3.0, source
Sister exchange: Wilses, CC BY-SA 4.0, source
Teeth blackening: momo, CC BY 2.0, source
Binukot: Francisco Ignacio Alcina, Public domain, source
Prenuptial agreement: Jan Josef Horemans the Younger, Public domain, source
Polygamy in South Africa: Unknown author, CC BY 4.0, source
Hope chest: Poul Friis Nybo, Public domain, source
Heqin: पाटलिपुत्र, CC BY-SA 4.0, source
Cousin marriage: 綾絲, CC BY-SA 4.0, source